the SIED project
Support, Information & Expression: Daily life with self-injury

You'll Never Know.

You値l never know. You値l never know how it feels to be powerless, numb to your actions and their consequences. You値l never know how it feels to be so far gone, to look into the mirror and not recognize the face of the person looking back with big blank eyes and an unwritten expression. You値l never know how it feels to hate yourself for what and who you are, but still know that you can稚 change, that you池e not that strong. That you never will be. You値l never know why I do it, or why I don稚 stop, you値l never know that I can稚. You値l never know how it feels to think that eyes are constantly staring into and through you. You値l never know what it痴 like to have so much hate for yourself built up inside of you. You値l never know what thoughts go through my head while I知 pretending to be the person you think I am. You値l never know the pain of knowing the name of this disease, this chronic illness and not make an attempt to ask for help because I知 afraid of what everyone else will think. You値l never know me, or how I feel inside. You値l never know what drives me to do this. You値l never know how it feels to never be able to be yourself, always an actor playing this role. You値l never know the actions I take or the lengths I go to. You値l never know that I知 powerless or how much I hate being so. You値l never know how afraid I am. I am so afraid. You値l never know the taste of dry tears on your upper lip as you cry yourself to sleep at night. You値l never know how afraid I am that my lie will be found out and I壇 have to face someone instead of that familiar stranger in the mirror. You値l never know, but if I told you, you壇 pretend to know how it feels, or how much I have to hate myself to do this. You値l never know what I知 thinking because I hide my dissatisfaction with myself and my life. You値l never know who I am, but please carry with you that I can be anybody. And you値l never know.

ｩ Alanna, 5 April 2006

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