the SIED project
Support, Information & Expression: Daily life with self-injury

*Woke Up Crying*

Chapter 1

“Raine, are you sure you don’t want this?” Michelle asked me one day at lunch.
I looked down at the muffin and sighed. “Oh, no I’m fine,” I answer quickly.
I am so annoyed with people constantly trying to give me food at lunch. I don’t eat lunch. I never do. I eat a lot at home anyways.
The bell rang. Lunch was over. I’ve gone 3 years without eating lunch. Everybody knows it so why should I start now? The fact of eating in front of 100s of people scares the hell out of me. 100s of people watching me stuff salty French fries in my mouth…yuck! I guess you could say I’m a bit obsessive compulsive and a huge perfectionist. But we all are, aren’t we? Deep down…underneath it all.
I got up, threw my book bag over my shoulder and walked away from the staring faces that just stuffed their mouth full of fatty foods in front of everyone. How can people do that anyways? I put on my smile and say hello to a few people. I walk down a crowded hallway. I finally meet my boyfriend, Jeremy. As I walk towards him, I start feeling sick. Like the sick you get when you’re nervous. I don’t know why I still get nervous when I’m around him. We’ve been going out for 8 months. I smile at him. He hugs me. We talk for a few minutes. Then it’s time to go our separate ways. I go to Spanish, he goes to study hall. We give one last hug and goodbye kiss as if we won’t see each other ever again. My stomach starts growling in Spanish. The class is quiet. God I hate it when it does this! I punch it. It stops. I look around. Hopefully nobody heard that. Now I have a big headache. But I keep working. Like nothing’s wrong. I look up at my friend and smile. The bell rings. I look up at my friend and smile. The bell rings finally! I get to see Jeremy again.
My friend and I walk up the stairs. I kind of sprint. So I can see Jeremy as soon as possible. I get to the top and he’s not there. I kind of panic. I wait there for a minute. Michelle tells me to hurry and get to Chemistry. But I don’t go. I stand there. Looking in different directions for a sight of Jeremy. He isn’t anywhere. Michelle runs off to Chemistry and leaves me there. The bell rings. Great! Now I’m late. I look around one more time. Nobody is there. So I walk down to Chemistry. I turned the corner and ran into Jeremy!
“Jeremy! Where were you? I waited down there for 5 mins and now I’m late!”
“Hey babe I’m sorry. I had to work on something.”
“Whatever. I’m already late enough.” I walk away without looking back at him. I wasn’t mad I was just in a hurry.
I was sitting in Chemistry and I looked over at a girl who was sitting next to me. I looked down at her arms. She had on a long sleeved shirt but I guess she was hot because they were rolled up. But her arms were full of marks. I sat there thinking how beautiful they were. I was sitting there, admiring this person’s pain.
“Raine? Raine? Raine? Are you okay?” Michelle was trying to talk to me but I was mesmerized by this girl’s arms.
I looked up and said, “What do you want?” I didn’t mean to say that. It just kind of came out. It was like I was no longer the sweet perky girl anymore.
“Um. Nevermind.” Michelle gave me a weird look and walked back to her seat.
I sat there in a confused state. I snapped out of it and turned to Michelle.
“Hey! I’m sorry! I was like spacing out or something. What did you want to tell me?” And I smile big and tilt my head like usual. But in the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about that girl’s arms. I wanted to get my hand on something sharp and slash away. But I just kept on smiling.

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Chapter 2

I drove home fast. I wanted to get home as soon as possible. I still had that girl’s scars in my head. They wouldn’t go away! I needed something sharp! I need to cut! I finally got home and ran inside. Nobody was home, thank god! I ran into the kitchen. I searched for the sharpest knife. I found a really sharp one that we barely ever use. I was just about to dig it into my skin when the front door opened. I hear footsteps coming closer. But I’m frozen.
“Raine? What are you doing?” My sister looked at me confused.
“I was going to cook something.” I threw my knife down…away from my wrist.
“Um okay. I forgot my purse. I’ll be back later.”
I watched my sister leave and her drive off. I was sweating like a guy! I ran back to the kitchen and grabbed the knife. I traced the blade with my fingertips. I was so amazed. I loved this feeling. I pressed the knife into my skin..slid it across. I scream from the pain. But I keep going, digging deeper. I watch the blood dripple onto the floor. I stop after 5 deep cuts.
“Oh my god. What have I done?” I say out loud. I turn around and rinse the blood off the knife and my wrist. I clean up the floor and run upstairs. I lay on my bed crying. Why did I cut? Was there any reason at all?
I wouldn’t eat all day. I was too busy focusing on my cuts. I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were. It’s like, these are the wounds that I won’t let anybody see. This is me. I throw on my sweater so nobody will notice and go on with my day like I was happy.
I prayed that night for hours. I asked for forgiveness because I had cut. But I still had this desire to keep cutting. Even though I knew it was wrong. I was just so proud of my scars! I wanted to show the world my pain but I knew I couldn’t. I fell asleep crying and for the first time…I woke up crying. I cried all through my sleep. Maybe it was a cry for help towards myself. Maybe it was telling me that this is the beginning of a long, hard life. Full of pain and that from this day forward, happiness will never come to me. I don’t know. But I do know, that from then on…I woke up crying everyday.

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Chapter 3

I got up and wiped the tears off my face. My pillow was soaked in tears and I don’t even know what I was crying about. My dad came in my room and I jumped.
“Are you okay? I heard you crying last night and this morning.”
I looked at him and said, “Yeah, I just had a bad dream.”
“Okay…”
My dad left and went to work. I sat on the floor for awhile then got up to take a shower. I must have spent an hour in there because when I got out it was almost time for school. I started rushing. Trying to get ready in only 10 minutes. My hair was soaked. And I looked at myself in the mirror. I was crying. I didn’t know why. I did my make-up and put my hair up and ran out the door.
I was so confused. I don’t really have many reasons to cry. Maybe I was crying because I hurt myself for the very first time.
I got to school. I was late. I ran to 1st period, study hall. I snuck in and sat down silently. I opened my notebook and started finishing the homework I didn’t do last night.
“Hey Raine! How’s it going?” My friend Josh sits next to me smiling. He’s had this huge crush on me since 7th grade.
“Oh. I’m just working on homework. I’m so tired. And I look like crap.” I laugh and look at Josh. He’s still smiling.
“I think you look beautiful.”
“Well, how are you doing? Do you have a date to Prom yet?” I asked Josh who was still smiling at me.
“I’m fine and no I don’t have a date yet. Wanna go?” He puts his hand on my arm.
I stop working. “Josh, I’ve told you a million times! We are just friends. I’m going out with Jeremy. Just accept that please!” I pull my arm away from Josh and move to a different seat. I was so sick of his crap. But I still couldn’t believe I was so mean to him.
The bell rang and I was supposed to meet Jeremy by his locker but I didn’t go. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I walked straight to photography. I passed some of my friends but I didn’t say hi or even smile. I just kept walking like I didn’t see them. I felt so dead and ashamed. I still wanted to roll up my sleeves and show everyone my scars. But it was my little secret. Nobody is supposed to know or care.
When I was sitting in photography I noticed there were scissors laying next to me. I made sure no one was looking and I grabbed it. I lifted up my sleeves and started slashing at my arm under the table. Nobody noticed. My arm was bleeding really bad and I had to get up to get a wash cloth. But when I got up the scissors fell on the floor and made a loud noise. Everyone turned and looked at me.
“Oh. Sorry I was cutting a picture.” I picked up the scissors hoping nobody noticed the blood.

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Chapter 4

I didn’t see Jeremy until 4th hour. We had English together. I didn’t meet him in any of our meeting spots all day. He was probably mad at me.
I walked into English and sat down. I was writing in my notebook when I heard Jeremy come in. I knew it was him because the music was blasting. I looked up and smiled. He walked closer to me and smiled.
“Where were you this morning?” Jeremy asked taking off his headphones.
“Oh. I was running late and I was too tired to talk to anyone. I’m so sorry!” I smiled at him and looked into his beautiful blue eyes.
“It’s alright babe. I was worried about you, that’s all. I thought maybe Josh had kidnapped you or something.”
We both laughed.
“Hah! No Josh isn’t that crazy. But he asked me to the prom again! He just never gives up.”
“Well of course not. Every guy wants you. They are so mesmerized in your beauty that they don’t even realize they’ll never have you,” Jeremy smiles at me and winks.
“Oh Yeah right. I forgot…” I laugh.
The teacher comes into the room and we all shut up and look at her.
“Raine. Come here for a second.”
I get up and walk to the desk. “Yes Ms. Johnson?”
“Could you go ask the office if I can have a few pairs of scissors? Mine just keep disappearing!”
“Um. Yeah sure.”
“Aw thanks dear!”
I walk out of the room and down to the office. I can’t believe she is making me go get some stupid scissors. Why can’t she get them herself? Well, I guess she’s just a fat lazy lady who hates everyone.
I walk into the office and stand frozen for a moment. I forgot what I was supposed to ask.
“Would you like something?” The secretary looks at me.
“Uh. Um..oh! Yes Ms. Johnson needs a few pairs of scissors.”
“Oh. Alright. Here you go!”
“Thanks.” I grabbed the scissors quickly and walked out.
I started walking down the hall. Then I realized I had these 3 sharp objects in my hand. I look around and I rushed into the bathroom. I run to one of the stalls and slash at my arm. I was in there for 10 minutes when I realized Ms. Johnson was probably wondering where I was. I rinsed my arm off and the scissors and run back to the room. I didn’t realize I was crying until I opened the door and everyone turned to look at me. I turn to Ms. Johnson and handed her the scissors.
“Sorry. I…I got lost.”
Everyone laughs.
“Oh, well thanks dear!” She smiles at me.
I wipe the tears off my face and go back to my seat. I sit there in silence staring at the back of Jeremy’s head. Why hasn’t he turned around yet? Did he even notice I came in? Did he not see my tears?! I started getting upset.
Jeremy turned around and set a piece of folded up paper on my desk. I unfolded it. It said:

Raine,
What’s going on with you? Why were you crying? Talk to me after the bell.
Love,
Jeremy

I kind of smile because he noticed and he cared.

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Chapter 5

The bell finally rang. I got up and so did Jeremy. He took my hand and we started walking. We stopped by a wall and he leaned against it. He took both of my hands and looked me in the eyes. I was crying.
“Raine. What’s going on? You seem so distant lately.”
I looked at him and said, “I don’t know, I really don’t know!” I let go of Jeremy’s hands and walked away.
“Raine! Come back here!”
But I didn’t go back. I kept on walking and he didn’t come running to me either.

So, I was back in the crowded lunch room. Where 100s of people sit and eat fatty foods in front of everyone. I sit there, staring at the table.
“You look depressed,” my friend, Lauren said to me while stuffing nachos in her mouth.
“Maybe I am.” I got up and walked to the bathroom.
The bathroom was my place to hide. I loved it. It was usually empty so I could do whatever I wanted. I could breakdown and nobody would know. Or I could cut. I sat on the floor in front of the big mirror. I looked into it. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I saw this depressed skinny girl. Her makeup all smeared and eyes swollen. Her face was sunken from days without eating. But then I realized that this girl was me and I started to cry even more. I put my hands on my face.
After like, 10 minutes of crying I got up and fixed my makeup. I put on my fake smile and went back to lunch. My friends were all sitting there, giggling. I wish I could laugh like that…without a care in the world.
“You peed for a long time!” Courtney said laughing.
“Yeah well it just kept coming. I haven’t peed for hours. It was like a waterfall!”
We all laughed. For once I got to laugh that day.
“Are you really depressed?” Lauren asked and everybody stopped laughing and turned to look at me.
“No. My bladder was mad at me for going hours without peeing so I had to run off like that.”
Everyone laughed.
“I thought I trained you!” Lauren said laughing.
“Yeah, well, I need to be trained again.”
I didn’t laugh with everyone else. Instead I turned around and looked at the 100s of people sitting down. I glance at everyone’s arms in the cafeteria. Some have scars, some are really tan, and some are really pale. I glance at my arms. My sweater was hiding the scars. But I was really hot. I wanted to take it off but I knew I couldn’t. I knew my arm was still bleeding.
I saw that girl’s scars again in Chemistry. She had more today. It’s so strange. It’s like, the scars comfort me. I can’t live without them.
I didn’t drive home after school. I drove around for a few hours. I wanted to think. I needed to think. I really wanted to tell Jeremy about my scars and just everything. But I didn’t want to scare him off. I want him to think that I’m happy and always will be.
I got home around 5 and nobody was home. But there were messages on the answering machine. I listened to them but they weren’t for me. I walked upstairs and into my room. I layed on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. A few tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t wipe them away. My phone rang and I jumped. I got up and answered it.
“Hello?” I said in my nice, perky voice.
“Raine, it’s Jeremy.”
I froze. We ignored each other at school ever since our little fight after 4th hour.
“We need to talk. Can you meet me in the park in a half hour?”
“I guess.” I hung up without saying bye.
I drove to the park right away and walked around for awhile. Jeremy and I had our first kiss here. That seems so long ago. When everything was so fresh and sweet. Now, everything is just a routine. I sit on a bench and look up at the sky. There are no clouds. The sun is beginning to go down and everything is so peaceful.
“Hey.”
I look over and Jeremy sits down next to me. He puts his hand on my leg and I begin to cry.

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Chapter 6

“What’s wrong?” Jeremy put his arms around me and pulled me closer.
“I, I don’t know. I’m hurting. Oh Jeremy what’s wrong with me?”
“I don’t know. But whatever it is, we will get through this together.” He kissed my forehead and I wiped the tears off my face.
“I’m so afraid to lose you.” I looked him in the eyes. He had tears in them. I was making him cry.
“Raine.” He grabbed my face. “You’ll never lose me.”
“You don’t know that!” I turned away and put my hands on my lap. I didn’t notice that one of my sleeves was rolled up a little.
“What’s that?” Jeremy looked down at my arm.
“What?” I was panicking. I prayed that he wasn’t talking about my scars.
“There’s a scar on your arm.”
“Oh, that. My cat scratched me.” I rolled it back down quickly.
“You don’t have a cat.” Jeremy looked upset.
“Oh, well it must have got caught on something. Don’t worry about it.”
Without realizing, Jeremy grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeve.
“Jeremy! Why did you do that?!” I was really mad at him now.
“Raine. I know what you did. But why? Why did you cut up your arm like that?”
He looked so scared. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be alright but I knew it wasn’t. He just found out my secret, now what am I going to do?
“Jeremy. I won’t do it again. I promise! I was just upset. That’s all.” I smiled through the tears and the pain. My arm really did hurt.
“No. You won’t stop. Once you cut..you can’t ever go back. You dream about it and it’s in every thought. It becomes your obsession. It’s the only way you can escape. This is serious Raine.”
“Jeremy, I did it once. No big deal! I didn’t even like it!”
I was lying. I didn’t tell him I did it 3 times. I didn’t tell him I liked it. I didn’t tell him the blade was my new best friend. I didn’t tell him I wanted to die.

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Chapter 7

Jeremy checked my arms everyday making sure I didn’t cut. He’d call me right when I would get home and make me stay on the phone for an hour. Then we would get off and he’d make me get online and talk to him for awhile. He really didn’t want me to cut. He didn’t tell anyone either. Which kind of shocked me. I figured he would have called a psychiatrist and make me go and see him. But he didn’t. It was our little secret. But what he didn’t know was than whenever I wanted to cut, I’d cut up my legs. He never checked those and plus I never wore shorts or skirts. I hated my legs. He understood that. I also sliced my stomach a few times. This cutting was beginning to control my every thought. I’d sit in school every day thinking about my blade or something sharp. I could smell the blood and I was so anxious to go home!
No one knew that I was anorexic. I’ve been anorexic for years. I haven’t ate much in the past week. No one would have ever thought that I was to. My mom was a nutritionist, she was the person that tried to cure the anorexics. While I was a kid I was taught that food is my friend and not the enemy. But somewhere around 13 I didn’t think that anymore. I thought of it as my enemy. I know I could always tell my mom that I was anorexic but she would be so ashamed that her little baby girl had an eating disorder, I know she would.
All together I had 1,000 calories for one week. I was fat. I started out at 120 pounds and gradually lost weight everyday. And I was 5’4”. That was huge compared to all my friends. They all had little perfect bodies and guys loved them. Even though most of them didn’t have a boyfriend. I looked up to them. They were my role models. They were just so skinny and beautiful. It wasn’t fair. And plus, their body wasn’t covered in scars. But I still loved my scars though. I thought they were the most beautiful things in the world! And I know I couldn’t live without them.
One day I was really upset because Courtney told me that she saw Jeremy with another girl at the movies. Of course I didn’t believe her. Jeremy loves me. He could never do that to me. I started yelling at Courtney and said it wasn’t Jeremy because he was with me that night, even though he wasn’t. She dropped it and forgot about it. But I didn’t. What if he was with another girl? Maybe it was his sister. No, he doesn’t have a sister. It could have been a friend or a relative. Who knows? I wasn’t going to judge right then. I wanted to ask him about it but I was too afraid. So when I got home, Jeremy didn’t call. I was even more upset with him. He wasn’t online either.
I went up to my room and say on the floor with my blade. I took my blade and dug it into my leg. It was really deep this time. I think I saw the bone. But I started writing letters. I dug a W into my leg. Then an O. Then a R. And a T. And a H. Then an L. Then an E. And a S…and another S. W-O-R-T-H-L-E-S-S. The blood was all over my floor. But I didn’t care. I was worthless.
After a half hour sitting there staring at my bloody leg and the bloody floor, I got up and took a shower. I started getting really lightheaded in the shower and I felt really sick. I was getting really hot. I could barely breathe. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest! I hit at it. It beats harder.
“No!” I screamed. I couldn’t see now. I was blind! I tried getting out of the shower but instead I fell out. I banded my head on the toilet and layed there, not being able to move. I was crying so bad. But nobody was home. Nobody is ever home.
I was laying there for an hour and then someone knocked on the door. It was my mom.
“Raine? Are you okay?”
My vision was blurry. I sat up slowly and rubbed my forehead.
“Yeah. I slipped when I came out of the shower. But I’m fine now.” I was lying. I wasn’t fine. I felt like I was dying.
“Alright hunny. Dinner is ready so come downstairs when you get dressed.” She walked away and went down the stairs.
I didn’t want to eat. But I knew I had to. I had barely had anything to eat for weeks. And I dropped 10 pounds. I was now 110. And I was so proud. If only I could be 100 or 95. That was my goal weight and I was so determined to get to it…no matter how many battles I would have to encounter.
I got dressed and brushed my hair. I went downstairs and into the kitchen. My mom and dad were sitting on the table already eating. My sister wasn’t home yet. I sat down in my regular seat and took some salad, without dressing. I also had a baked potato and some other veggies. I felt so fat and ashamed. There wasn’t much talk at the table, and I was glad. Nobody noticed me eating really slowly. I chewed my food until it turned to liquid and slowly swallowed with my eyes closed tight. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream. I wanted them to know I couldn’t eat like this. But I still kept it inside.
I was the last one to finish eating so I cleaned up the dishes. And then I hurried up the stairs into the bathroom. My parents were downstairs watching tv and my sister was having left overs. So I turned the sink on and pretended to wash my hands. I also turned on the fan in the bathroom so it would drain out some of the noises. I sat in front of the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat and everything came back up and into the toilet. I did this a few times before, when I would eat too much. I really didn’t like it but I knew I had to do it. I had to get rid of all the fat. I flushed the toilet and smiled. Everything was gone! I went into my room and started writing in my diary.

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Chapter 8

The next morning I woke up and wiped away my tears. I was still waking up crying. Today was Saturday! Jeremy and I decided to go see a movie together. I got ready an hour before he picked me up and I had some spare time to do whatever. So I decided to cut again. I got my weapon out of my drawer and smiled with joy. It was like, I held so much power in this one little hand of mine. I got some tissues from the bathroom so I wouldn’t get blood everywhere. Then I started cutting my stomach. An X there…a slash there. Then a big cross there. I was proud of what I just did. I put the tissues on the cuts for a few minutes. Then the bell rang. It was Jeremy. I threw the tissues in the trash can and pulled down my shirt. I walked down the stairs and saw him, smiling up at me.
He looked so handsome just standing there. I loved him like this. I loved his serious/sensitive side. It was just so perfect.
“Hey Raine! Are you ready?”
“Yep!”
So he took my hand and we walked out to his car and he drove us to the movie theatre.
“How have you been?”
I looked up at him, he wasn’t looking at me. He usually looks at me when he talks.
“I’m great! I’ve been cut free for weeks now!” I smiled at him and touched his arm. I was lying, but I had to.
“That’s great Raine. I’m proud of you.”
Jeremy seemed a lot more distant the next few minutes. It was silent most of the time. And I didn’t like it. I wanted to be in his arms again and tell him everything.
We got to the movie and bought the tickets. We went into the theatre and found a couple seat. He put his arms around me and I leaned on his shoulder. His left hand was holding my right hand. He gave me a kiss before the movie started. We didn’t talk much during the movie, it was mostly just laughing.
The movie seemed to go by really fast. We sat there looking at the credits for awhile then eventually we got up and walked out to the car. He asked me if I liked the movie and I said yes. He drove home slowly and we listened to depressing music for some reason. Everything was so different now. He stopped outside of my house and I was just about to get out of the car when he touched my arm.
“Wait, we need to talk.”
I looked at him and sat back down in the seat. I was so scared now. All I wanted to do was run up to my room and cry forever.
“We’ve been going out for awhile now. And I think it’s time for us to take a break. No, not break up. But just take a break from each other.” He looked at me and I saw that he was trying to hold back his tears.
I looked at him for awhile then I said, “Do you really want this?” I had tears streaming down my face now.
“I think, it’s for the best.”
“Whatever, you always run away from everything. I should have known.”
I got out of the car and slammed the door. I ran to my door and opened it. I sprinted up the stairs and slammed my bedroom door. I started bursting into tears. How could Jeremy do this to me?! I needed him the most right now and he just ran away. I should have known.
I had a good reason to cut now, didn’t I? The love of my life just dumps me because he is sick of me. I got out my really big blade that I only use when I am really really upset. It cuts really deep. I started slashing at my arms. I haven’t cut my arms for awhile because Jeremy always checked them. But now it didn’t matter. And I’m gonna show him my scars and tell him it’s his fault this time. After I was done slashing at my arm, I noticed that I wrote something. I read my arm, it said “X-Jeremy-X”. I have no idea why I wrote his name there. I wasn’t even thinking about it. And that really scared me.

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Chapter 9

Everyone was so shocked that we broke up. So was I, and I knew he was too. I would see him in the hallways and I’d make sure my cuts were visible to him, and just to him. He would look at them and then look at me in disappointment and walk away. I really didn’t care if he told anyone anymore. I was sick of hiding! I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted just the world to slow down for one second so I could catch my breath. I really couldn’t understand why everything was so hard. Jeremy just made it worse and I told him that.
I said to him, “You know that it’s all your fault don’t you?,” in English one day.
He turned around and looked at me with a very sad face and stood up.
“You’re just running away from everything,” I said to him as he got up.
“No, Raine. I’m not. You are.” He looked so serious this time and I was so scared of him now.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jeremy looked at me and sat down.
“You’re not okay. You’re not happy and everyone knows it. Everybody knows about your scars and everybody knows you don’t eat anymore. And you’re just hiding it all because you think nobody knows. Well everybody knows and nobody cares anymore because you are being so selfish about all of this. And you say it’s all my fault and that I’m the cause of your pain. No, that’s not true. I did not drag that blade across your skin. I did not stick my finger down your throat. I did not sit with you and call you fat. That was ALL you. Nobody did that to you. You did this all to yourself. For no reason at all.” I had tears in my eyes but I wiped them away.
“How can you say that to me! I can’t believe you. It’s all lies. Nobody knows but you Jeremy. Unless you told everyone. God! How dare you betray me like that! What did I ever do to you?!” I was getting so mad now.
“I didn’t tell anyone. You told everyone. With your scars and your body. Do you really think you were hiding everything from everyone? Well you didn’t do a good job. Everybody has seen those scars from the day you first did it. And everybody sees how skinny you are and they are scared to even touch you because they don’t want to break you. Don’t blame me for all your battles because I did not create them. You created them and YOU have to fight them. And guess what Raine, everybody has battles and everybody hurts. I have been down the long road before and never thought I’d find my way back. I know how it feels. But still, you never came to talk to me. You hid everything. I tried caring for you Raine, I really did. But you aren’t loveable anymore and I don’t know what happened. You used to be the most amazing person in the world. Then one day you decided to make all these problems and hurt yourself for everything. You don’t deserve this at all. Nobody does.”
I sat there, speechless. I couldn’t believe all this. I knew it was all true bur I didn’t want to accept it. Jeremy was so right, and it was scary. Had he been through this? I had no idea.
The bell rang and I got up.
Jeremy gave me a big hug and said, “I love you, I always will. But you’re not the girl I used to know. You aren’t Raine anymore.”
I cried on his shoulder until he let go and walked away. I didn’t have time to tell him I still loved him and that I’m dying here without him and that I need him more than anything. I wanted to yell after him but I couldn’t speak. My voice was gone. And my eyes were so blurry from crying. I tried wiping them away but more just kept coming.
I tried ignoring the stares all day long. Michelle ran up to me and hugged me and told me everything would be alright and that I was going to get help. I didn’t really know what she meant by ‘getting help’. I hoped she didn’t tell anyone.
Throughout the day a lot of people were coming up and hugging me. And I had no idea why. I had stopped crying and I was smiling a little. I didn’t look depressed or anything. I really didn’t know what was going on until the middle of 7th hour. I was sitting there doing my homework and the phone rang. My teacher answered it.
“Yes, she is.”
I looked up…‘she’ could be any girl.
“Alright I’ll send her down.” The teacher looked at me and I knew it.
I got up and headed down to the guidance office. I was so scared now. I was also really dizzy ‘cause I hadn’t ate in forever. I’ve been chewing on this piece of gum since 1st hour.

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Chapter 10

I walked into the guidance office and all the counselors and some other teachers were standing there. I smiled at them. I was so nervous. I knew they knew. My counselor took my hand and led me down to her office. I looked back and everybody was watching me. They all looked so sad.
We got in her office and sat down. She closed the door. I looked at her and I watched her sit at her desk.
“Hey!” I smiled at her like usual.
“Hi. You don’t need to pretend anymore. We know. Everything will be okay.” She looked at me and she was concerned.
“You know what?”
“Numerous people have come and told me that you have had some problems in your life right now and that you’ve taken it all out on yourself. Everyone is really worried about you. And now that I look at you, I am too.” She had a frown on her face.
“Um, alright. Well I don’t know where they got that from. I’m really happy with my life right now. Everything is just so perfect!” I smile again even though I just wanted to breakdown and cry.
“Yeah, it’s okay Raine. This happens to everybody. You are nor alone. Can I see your arms?”
She looked down at my arms. I was getting really nervous now. I was thinking about fainting. But I wasn’t that good at acting sick.
“Why?” I looked at her confused.
“Because, to see if the rumors are true.”
“Oh, so you don’t believe me? Now I get it.” I got up.
“No, Raine that’s not it. Please sit back down. You need help sweetie. We called your parents and they are on their way to get you.”
“What?! Why! I didn’t even do anything wrong.”
The door opened and I turned. It was a teacher.
“They’re here.”
“Who’s here?’ I said frantically but I knew who.
“Your parents.”
I got so scared now. I watched as my mom and dad walked in the room. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to go back to 7th hour. I wanted to be back to my old life.
“Mom, Dad. What’s going on? Everybody is saying things about me and I don’t know why!” I started crying.
“Let me see your arms,” my dad said to me. He looked so upset, so did my mom.
“Dad! You don’t believe me either!” He pulled my arm at him and tugged up my sleeve.
“Why?” My dad looked so confused.
“Dad! Hello! It’s my body I can do whatever I want.” I couldn’t do anything now. They knew, everybody knew.
“Sweetie, you are so skinny.” My mom was looking at my body. I hated when people did that.
“Mom! Stop it, I’m not anorexic!”
“I think I know anorexic when I see it.” My mom looked at me and I rolled my eyes.
“We got you into a hospital. The best we could get you into in such a little amount of time.” My mom was looking at my dad. My counselor was still sitting there, speechless.
“Why are you doing this to me? Why?! I’m fine. I don’t need to be in some hospital with a bunch of suicidal teens. I love my life and DON’T want to die.”
“That may be the case. But you are hurting yourself and if you don’t get help, you will die,” my counselor said looking at me.
I started crying so hard now. I didn’t know what to say or do.
“Can’t I say bye to my friends?”
“You’re not going away forever. You will be back. This is just temporary. Until you get better. And I know you will because you are strong and we love you,” my mom said to me and gave me a hug.
I cried even harder. Maybe people really did care.
I walked out of the guidance office and to my locker by myself. I told my parents I’d meet them by the car. I just wanted to see my friends for one last time, before I had to start a whole new life. I walked through the halls and I felt so out of place. Everybody looked at me while I walked by. I was kind of staring off into space. This could be the last time I walk these halls for a long time. I was going to really miss everyone and everything. I walked by Cara and Lindsey. I stopped to talk to them for a few seconds.
“Hey guys. I, I probably won’t be back for a dew weeks. You probably know why.” I looked down, ashamed.
“Yeah, we know. But, we’ll still see each other. Everyone is gonna come visit you! We promise.
I looked up and smiled. They smiled and gave me big hugs. I needed it. We said our goodbyes and I kept walking. I ran into some people and said I was sorry. I saw some of my other friends I told them bye and we exchanged hugs and tears.
I got to my locker and stood in front of it for a few moments. I felt like this was my last day living. I guess, in a way it was. I opened my locker and got my stuff out and put it in my bookbag. I looked at myself in my mirror before I shut the door. I looked tired, upset, depressed, and anorexic. Everyone was right.
Michelle, Lauren, and Courtney all came to my locker before they went home.
“You’re really going to get help?” Michelle looked at me.
“Yeah. I guess so.”
I looked at Courtney and she was crying. I gave her a big hig and told her everything would be okay and I’d be back as soon as possible. I wasn’t going to just leave them all. They were my friends and I loved them.
“I hope everything will turn out good. We were really worried about you all year,” Lauren said looking at me.
Michelle and Courtney had tears in their eyes and so did Lauren.
“It’s okay, everything will be okay. Don’t worry. Once I’m back to the old Raine, everything will be back to normal.” I smiled and hugged them all again.
They promised to come to the hospital and I really hoped that they’d keep their promise.
I wanted to say bye to Jeremy before I left but I couldn’t find him.
Finally after looking down some hallways I ran into him.
“Hi.” I looked at him.
“Hey, I heard. You’re getting help. That’s great!” He smiled at me.
“Yeah I guess… Jeremy,” I paused for a second and finally said what I really wanted to tell him all along. “I love you. More than anything. You were there when I was weak and you made me so strong. None of this was your fault. I really don’t know how this all got started but what I wanted to say is that, it, it will end soon. Everything will be back to normal and we can finally be together again. I care about you so much and I want the best for you! And if you decide you don’t want the old Raine back and you want to move on, then that’s fine with me. But I just want you to know that I will always love you, no matter if there are a million tears in my eyes and a thousand scars on my body.”
I smiled at him. I was so proud of myself! He looked at me and smiled.
“I know.” He gave me one last hug and I held on to him and wouldn’t let go for what seemed like forever. I wanted to stand there with him forever, just the two of us. But I knew this couldn’t be. So I let go and walked away, without looking back.

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Chapter 11

I got into the car and didn’t say anything. I sat in the back seat and my parents didn’t say anything either. My dad just drove. It was silent and I hated it. My parents wouldn’t even look at me. I think they were sad because their ‘baby’ was in so much pain. I had a really big urge to cut and throw up nothing. But I knew I could never go back to that again. I knew I had to start my life over again and that was going to be so hard.
The hospital was about an hour away. An hour filled with silence. I hated silence. You could hear people’s stomach growls and if you listened closely you could hear their screams and their pain. Well we finally got to the hospital. I looked at it. It was huge. It was all brick with lots of windows and doors. There was a fence around the whole building and some swing sets outside. I wondered why there were swing sets, I wasn’t a kid anymore. There was a big sign in front of the building that said “Hope & Love Centre”, hah! Right. My dad parked the car and got out. I sat there for a while and finally I got out. My mom packed some of my clothes and other things into a suitcase, so I didn’t have to go all the way back home to get my stuff. Even though I would give everything to be laying in bed again.
We walked into the building and there were these big staircases and a bunch of different hallways. It was so huge. It smelt like fresh flowers. There was some chairs around the main lobby and TVs. My parents kept walking so I followed. They walked through a door and into the ‘check in’ desk.
We sat down on the chairs and my mom said, “This is Raine Gray we talked earlier today.”
The lady looked at me and said, “Oh yes! I remember. Raine could you step out for just a few minutes? I’d like to talk to your parents alone.”
I said sure and got up and went into the main lobby and sat down. I wondered what they were talking about. Obviously me.
There was a girl in the lobby sitting in a chair across from me. She was reading. She had blonde hair and was very pale. Her face was sunken in and she had no make up on. Her clothes were really baggy and kind of dirty. She was so little. I think she probably weighed around 80 pounds.
I said, “Hey, I’m Raine.”
She looked up at me. She looked so sick, it was scary. I wondered if I really looked like that.
“Hi.” Then she went back on reading.
I thought that was kind of rude. So I got up and left her. I walked back to the office section and stood outside the door, waiting for my parents to come out. Finally, after several minutes they came out and smiled at me. They handed me my things and gave me big hugs. They told me they’d be here to visit almost everyday. I said they didn’t have to do that, and all I wanted was to see my friends. They agreed to bring some of my friends with them whenever they come down to see me. I was happier.
I watched them leave. Then after they got into their car and drove off, the lady took my bags and led me to my room.
“You’ll be sharing a room with a really nice girl. She’s going through what you’re going through. I think you guys will get along great!” She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. She took me on a little tour while walking to my room. Everything was so neatm like nothing out of place. I liked it that way. There weren’t many people out in the halls or in the library or in the tv/game rooms. They must have been in their rooms. Finally, we got to my room. It was on the 3rd level. Room 308.
“Why is this place so big?” I asked the lady.
“Because a lot of people need help.” She smiled at me.
She opened the door to my room. There were two full beds, a desk, some pictures on the walls, a fan, 3 windows, a chair and 2 dressers. It was nice, everything looked so new.
There wasn’t anyone in the room.
“Where is my roommate?”
“Oh, I think most of the girls are outside or around somewhere. She’ll come eventually.”
She smiled at me and told me she had to leave and that I could go basically anywhere.
“Thanks.” I smiled at her and sat on one of the beds. I wasn’t sure which one was mine so I chose the one closest to the wall. I put my stuff in the drawers and decided to walk around. The place was big, and I didn’t know where I was going. I think I ended up in the guy wing because I noticed a bunch of guys in the halls, And they were looking at me weird. I wonder what they were in here for. I wonder that everybody was doing in here. I kept on walking not noticing the guys’ stares. Finally I made it back to my room and my roommate was sitting on the floor.

“Hey,” I said as I walked in.
“Hey!” So you’re my new roommate?! I’m Mary.” The girl got up and smiled at me and shook my hand.
I smiled back and said, “Hi, I’m Raine.”
There was a little bit of silence for awhile then Mary said, “I haven’t had a roommate in 2 months! It’s finally nice to have someone to talk to again. I like staying up late talking or doing whatever! How old are you by the way?”
“17, you?”
“18, I still have more time in here. I’m not fully recovered yet!”
“Why are you here?” I didn’t mean to sound nosey like that but Mary didn’t seem to mind.
“Various things. Anorexia, bulimia, Self Injury, Suicidal teen, extreme depression, OCD, bipolar, etc… the list never ends really.”
“Oh, that must be really hard for you. I probably won’t be staying long. I just want my old life back and then I can go back and everything will be okay again.”
“Denial. It’s okay, we all go through it. Eventually you’ll admit your problems and be in here for a long time. Your life will never be the same again, it’s like being born all over again but with a different body and mind.”
I looked at her and I wanted to cry.
“Why are you here anyways?” She smiled at me.
“Anorexia, bulimia, and I cut…a lot. It’s just so addictive. I can’t stop.”
I lifted up my sleeves and showed her. I lifted up my pant legs and showed her what I wrote.
“You’re just like my old roommate,” Mary said studying my cuts and bruises. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine in no time, it’s not too bad. At least you’re not like me. You have a lot more hope than most people do here,” she giggled.
“Thanks, I want to get out, but this place is so amazing. I haven’t talked to anyone else but you though, and I’d like to meet more people.” I smiled at her.
“Well, come with me. We’ll go to the tv room, most of my friends are there around this time, they watch Oprah.”
We laughed and walked out the door and down the hall. On our way down to the tv room Mary told me about therapy sessions. Everyone had to go to them 3 times a week. I wasn’t really looking forward to them. She said sometimes they were in a group and sometimes it was just you and a doctor. But your first few visits were alone. And I hated being alone.

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Chapter 12

The next morning at 7 am I got up and got dressed to go to breakfast. I didn’t want to eat but they told me if I didn’t eat that I’d have a lot of therapy sessions and I would eventually be put on a feeding tube and I didn’t want that. So I ate a banana and they told me that that was a good start.

I waited until 9 am to go to my therapy session. Finally 9 came and I walked to the doctor’s office in the main floor. Mary showed me where it was and she said she would come back for me in an hour and we’d go outside to talk to guys. I was excited because I would meet a lot of new people. This wasn’t so bad but I still missed all my friends and I wondered when they would visit me.
I walked into the office and the doctor was a girl. I was a little bit happier.
“Hey Raine! I’m Doctor Sanders. Have a seat.” She smiled at me and pointed to a couch next to the chair she was sitting on.
“Hey.” I walked over to the couch and sat down.
“So how are you doing?”
“I’m alright, you?” I was nervous.
“I’m good. How did you like your first day? Have you met new people yet?”
“It was good. I like it here so far, everyone is so nice. My roommate, Mary, is really sweet and she’s introduced me to lots of new people.” I smiled.
“That’s great! So, do you know why you’re here?”
“I’m not sure, everyone thinks I’m out of control because I cut a lot. But that’s because I had a lot of good reasons to.”
I couldn’t believe I just said that. I was opening up to a complete stranger.
“Do you know what got you into this bad habit?”
“Kind of, I think everything was coming at me so quickly and I guess I didn’t have time to slow down and it was my release. But so many people cut, I don’t know why I have to be stuck here!” I stood up and walked around the chair.
“We can’t help everyone, but if we just help one person, then that makes us who we are.”
She started writing stuff down. I wondered what she was writing about me. It probably said I was a fat girl and had very low self-esteem. I wouldn’t be surprised if she put I was very rude and annoying, because everyone tends to think that about me.
“Well whatever. Are we done yet?”
“Yes, I think so. Thanks for coming Raine, I’ll see you tomorrow at 3 okay?”
“Sure, I have nowhere else to go.” I walked out the door and Mary was still sitting there. She was reading the newspaper and looked up at me.
“Hey! How’d it go?”
I shrugged and she got up. “Yeah I know, that’s how my first visit was.”
We walked to the tv room together laughing and talking about basically nothing.
I was sitting in the tv room with Mary watching my Soap Opera when one of the nurses came and got me.
“Hey, are you Raine?”
I nodded.
“You have a visitor.” And she pointed towards the hallway and I saw my parents.
I didn’t really want to see them but they brought Courtney, Lauren, and Michelle. We all ran up to each other and hugged. I was so happy to see them, even though it had only been a day. I still felt like I hadn’t seen them in years. Mary came up behind me and said hi to my friends. I introduced Mary to everyone and Mary said we could go hang out in our room.
So, Courtney, Michelle, Lauren, and me walked to my room. I left my parents there because they had some business to do. We walked into my room and they were so amazed at this place. They said it was so big and inviting. They actually were jealous! But I still felt locked up and wanted to escape. They all sat on my bed. They asked me how I was doing and if I liked it here.
“I’m doing alright, not much change but I did eat today, they made me. Mary is so nice to me. I’ve met a lot of people so far. Everyone is just too nice. It’s kind of scary. But some of the people here are really depressed and it’s so sad. I just wanna reach out to them but I can’t because I can’t even be reached to. But I still miss my bed!”
We all laughed and Courtney got up and hugged me tight.

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Chapter 13

A few weeks passed and I was still doing ‘alone’ therapy sessions. I was starting to get annoyed by them. I talked less and less each time. My doctor was trying so hard to get through to me and to get me to open up but I just wouldn’t. I wanted to be in group therapy sessions instead! I told her that and she said she will try and get me into one by next week. She was really nice, but she just truly didn’t understand anything.
I later found out that Mary had an abusive boyfriend when she was a sophomore in high school. She told me that that was when everything happened. He tried to kill her! I felt so bad for her, because I had Jeremy and Jeremy was the greatest. But the sad thing was, Jeremy never came to visit me. He promised he would. He never even called either. He must be happy now, cause I’m locked up. I did try to call him, everyday. But he was never there. I was so worried. Michelle told me that Jeremy was really depressed now and he barely ever shows up at school. I felt so bad! I don’t know what’s going on in his life and I can’t be there for him. I fell apart.
I think I was getting a little bit better actually. Being with people who are just like ‘me’, has made me look at things so differently. I didn’t strive to be perfect as much because everyone here is here for a reason, to get help. But I still didn’t think I needed help. I thought I was fine! I knew I was fine.

One morning Mary woke me up around 3 am. I was mad at her because I was sleeping in a deep sleep. She was on my bed looking at me. It was dark and the moon was shining on her face.
“Raine, are you okay?”
I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Yes, go away.” I rolled to my side and closed my eyes.
“No. Raine this is bugging me. I have to ask you this. Do you know that you cry in your sleep and wake up crying? It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not just a tear, it’s a break down. I haven’t told you or anybody because I was scared of what would happen. What’s wrong?”
I opened my eyes and she looked so scared for me. She was crying a little bit.
“I know. I’ve been doing it for awhile now. My dreams aren’t even that sad either. I just don’t get it. I’m messed up. But I’m really tired okay? Please let me sleep!”
I wiped away my tears that were soaked on my face. I felt like I was just swimming. I was drying my eyes out of tears! Mary got up and walked to her bed and layed down. I know she didn’t sleep though. She layed there watching me cry.

The next morning I got woken up by some nurses. I wiped my tears away and I smiled at them and said good morning. They frowned and looked worried.
“Why do you cry all through the night? How do you do that? No one here has ever cried through the night.” The nurse looked at me seriously.
“Instinct?”
I got up and walked over to Mary and said, “Why did you tell them? How could you do that to me!?”
Mary looked at me and she looked worried. “Because, it’s just not normal.”
“Hello, is anyone here normal?!” I walked out the door and went down the hall to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone. I was so mad at Mary. She betrayed me. I don’t see what’s wrong with crying all through the night! It doesn’t bother me anymore. It comforts me.
I got into the bathroom and I saw a girl standing there looking in the mirror crying.
“Hey, you okay?”
I looked down at her arms and they were covered in marks. Her whole body was bleeding. She had taken a screw out of the stalls and used it to cut.
“Why?” I looked at her and I reached over and wet a paper towel and put it on her cuts.
“You don’t know me. Nobody knows me. Nobody cares. I just want to die. Please go away.” She takes the towel and throws it in the sink.
“No, I won’t. I want to help you.. And I do know you. You’re Katie. Beautiful Katie, that’s what everyone calls you.” I smiled at her.
She was like a model. I wished I looked like her. Her skin was a little pale but it was so soft and it glowed. I had no idea why she did this to herself. She had everything anybody could ever want. She was perfect.
“You know what, whenever you look into that mirror you don’t like what you see. So don’t tell me that I’m beautiful when you won’t believe it yourself. Because nobody thinks they are beautiful. Nobody looks into that mirror and smiles. Nobody takes that blade and throws it away. It’s just not that simple and you know it.” She keeps her eyes on her reflection.
“You are right, but people like us do get better. As long as we have the strength to. We’ll be fine. But I guess you haven’t realized that yet. You’re still lost in that mirror aren’t you?”
I looked at her and she was still staring into that mirror. She turned to look at me and she had so many tears in her eyes. She fell to the floor and sat against the wall. She was bawling now. All I could do was sit next to her and tell her everything would be okay.

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Chapter 14

I finally got into a group session! I was so excited because now I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore and I’d understand what people were people were going through and be there for them. But Katie did really trigger me but I didn’t cut. I was strong! I knew I could make it.
Well Katie and I went to the group session together. Mary and I still weren’t talking. I was still mad at her and I slept over in Katie’s room for a few nights but then people found out and I got in trouble. Katie said she loved group session but they were always triggering. She wore her big sweater so nobody would see her cuts. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone and we made sure nobody noticed.
We walked into this big room. I had never been there before. It was kind of dark but there were candles around the tables and there were chairs in a big circle. We picked a sit far away from Mary. Mary was talking to some other girl and didn’t even look at me. They had set up food on the tables, I didn’t know why though. I didn’t know who would eat it.
I felt bad for Katie. She had no friends because everyone was jealous of her. She was really nice and I loved hanging out with her. The meeting started off slow. But I enjoyed every minute of it. It was at night so I was wide awake. I was a night person! At first our counselor lady told us all to look around the room and notice everyone that was here. Everyone turned and looked at me and smiled.
They all said, “Hey Raine! Welcome!”
Mostly everyone. There were a few girls that definitely were not happy to see me or even be there.
The first hour we talked about our day and how it went. Everyone was quiet and listened closely to what another person was saying. Everyone seemed to have a good day. So I said I was having a good day too. The next hour we got into groups of 4. We didn’t get to pick though. I was in a group with Mary, Calli, and Becca. Becca and I hated each other. Ever since she saw me she’s hated me. But I guess she hates everyone. She’s a bad girl and is always trying to get herself and others in trouble. I really had no respect for her but I still listened.
We sat in a small circle and each of us said something from our past that we needed to let go. I said that when I was 10 my best friend died from a hit and run accident and I never really told anyone about it because it was the worst thing that I had to go through. They gave me hugs, even Becca did! It was her turn to tell us a secret now.
She said, “Last year, I was doing a lot of drugs. And I never told anyone but, I didn’t like doing it. I didn’t like being gothic. It wasn’t me at all. But since the people I hung around were my only friends, I had to go where they go. It hurt so much and I had to keep doing stuff I hated. I hid behind black lipstick and spiky necklaces when I really wanted to be tan and to wear nice light color clothes and have the sun shine again. I know that sounds weird, but I don’t think I can ever be me again. I messed up my life pretty bad.” She started to cry now. I felt bad for her, I had no idea she didn’t like being gothic and weird. She didn’t want to be different but she had no choice. I leaned over and gave her a big hug.
The group meeting ended and I was a little sad. Mary and I were talking again and Becca and I were friends. Katie came over to me crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said the people in her group were not supportive at all and wouldn’t let her say anything. I gave her a hug and walked her to her room. Her roommate was in her room when we came in. She jumped up and asked me why she was crying. I told her people were being mean. Her roommate didn’t really like her either, but that’s because nobody has ever given her a chance.
Her roommate said, “Oh alright. Just talk to her or something. She cried everynight anyways.” She left the room and I watched her walk down the hall. How heartless.
We sat on her bed and she was still crying.
“Katie, what exactly did they say?”
She was crying and it took her awhile to get everything out.
“They…they said I was a slut for getting raped and that I deserved it. Then they talked about my baby and how I killed it. But Raine you know I had to, I was raped. I was 14!”
“I know! I never said that was wrong. Nobody…nobody deserves to be raped. Believe me. I’ve been real close to it and it changes your life forever. You’re not the same anymore. And I know it’s hard.”
I smiled at her a little and she looked at me. She wasn’t crying as much now.

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Chapter 15

A month passed and it was almost time for Christmas. I was being very good and they told me that I could leave the hospital for a week for Christmas and I could hang with my friends and my family. I was so excited! Finally I was free for a whole week! Katie and Mary weren’t free though. They weren’t doing as well as me and had to stay there for Christmas. I felt bad for them but I promised to buy them something and tell them everything about the ‘other’ world out there.

Finally that week came. I packed up a few things and met my parents in the lobby. Mary and Katie followed me out to our car and gave me big hugs and I told them I’d be back soon. They were crying because they wanted to leave with me. It took an hour to get home and I watched the snow fall from the sky and I thought everything was so beautiful. I didn’t really talk much to my parents. I couldn’t wait to sleep in my bed and see my house again!
We finally got home and I ran up to my room. It felt so different. But I was so happy to see it. It was the same way I left it. I ran to the phone and called Courtney and Lauren. I told them to come over tomorrow and we’d go shopping. They were so excited! But today, I wanted to go see Jeremy. I wanted to make sure he was okay.
My parents drove me to Jeremy’s house because I wasn’t allowed to drive on my ‘free’ week. It’s not like I was going to run away to Paris or something. We got to Jeremy’s in 20 minutes. He lived kind of far away from me. They dropped me off and said they’d be back in a few hours. I walked up to Jeremy’s door and my parents watched me from the car. I rang the doorbell twice and nobody answered. I looked through the window and one of the lights were on. Then I saw Jeremy walk down the stairs towards the door. He opened it, and I was shocked.
He was so different, he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked so depressed and he looked dead. He told me to come in and I did. I walked into his family room and sat down. I watched him walk to a chair next to the couch I was sitting at. I smiled at him but he didn’t smile. He had the same expression on his face as he did when he was walking down the stairs. He looked kind of stoned actually. I hoped he wasn’t doing drugs.
“Hey, I’m back!” I smiled and threw my hands in the air. He looked at me like I was some kind of freak. “But you obviously don’t care. Jeremy what’s up with you? Why are you doing this to me?” I wasn’t happy anymore. I was mad.
“You don’t get it.” He looked at me straight in the eyes.
“Get what? That you’re depressed? Well duh, everyone knows you are!”
“No! Shut up Raine. You have no idea what I have been through. You left everything here while you went to some hospital and hoped that when you came back everything would be the same. Well guess what, nothing is the same! Everything is different, everyone is different. Just because you got help doesn’t mean everyone else did. You thought you were the only one with problems didn’t you? Well no, you aren’t. I have attempted suicide more times than I can count. I have cut so deep that you can see the bone. I have cried so many tears that they are all gone. But no, you never noticed.”
He was very upset now. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I thought he was going to kill me and I wanted to run away.
“Jeremy, I’m sorry. You need help too. I can get you help! It’s not too late. I know you want to be happy again and I know you miss me. We can be together again! Like we promised.” I put my hand on his leg and looked at him and smiled.
“It is too late.”
I was confused and scared. I looked around the room, scanned every inch with my eyes and then I saw it. I saw the gun lying on the table next to where he was sitting. My heart stopped and I wanted to scream, but I was breathless.
“No, Jeremy!” I watched him take the gun and put it to his head and pull the trigger. I screamed. I was too late. I couldn’t save him this time. I screamed more and more. I watched him fall and I fell with him. I was crying and I wanted to pull that trigger too. This wasn’t how it’s supposed to be. I was the one who was to die, not him.
The front door opened and I heard footsteps come closer. I didn’t look up, I was crying into Jeremy’s shirt. I was holding him and telling him I loved him and to come back. I heard the screams from his parents. I heard his mom fall to the floor sobbing so hard. His dad called 911. I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to see his face or his parents. I had never been more scared in my life.
The paramedics came in a matter of minutes, I didn’t move. They had to pull me off him and I put my hands over my face. I heard the zipping of the bag which they put his body inside and carried him out on a bed. I cried some more and fell to the floor. I layed in his blood and I had his scent on me. All the memories of us together flashed through my mind. Our first hug, our first kiss, our first anniversary, our first movie together. He was the reason I kept living.

My parents came right after the paramedics took Jeremy away. They layed on the floor with me and cried. They held me so tight that I cried even more. I told them I wanted to die and to leave me so I could die where Jeremy died. They pulled me up and made me walk out to the car.
I got in the car and I opened my eyes for the first time since I watched Jeremy fall to the floor. The sun was setting over his house and tears fell from my eyes onto my leg. It was so beautiful. I wanted to smile but I wanted to cry. I looked over at his bedroom window, and I could see his face in it. He was crying but he was smiling. He waved goodbye and then he walked away and all there was, was an empty room.

___________________________________________

Chapter 16

We got home and I went to my room. I stayed up there for 2 days. I didn’t answer the phone and I wouldn’t eat anything. My parents were worried but they didn’t make me eat or come out, they knew I was in pain. They called the hospital and asked if I could stay 2 weeks. They explained what happened and they agreed. Even though, I’d rather be in a hospital than stuck here with all the memories.
I locked my door and all I did was lay on my bed staring at Jeremy’s pictures. I cried when I’d see a picture of us hugging. We were smiling so big, we thought that we’d be together forever and we loved being in each other’s arms. But now I had no one to hug anymore, I had no reason to smile anymore. I turned on music that he loved. And when our song came on, I’d freeze. I didn’t smile, I didn’t cry. I just stared at the wall, motionless. My mind was full of memories and pain.
I watched a video of us together that one of my friends took for fun. She said that it would be something that we would cherish forever. She followed us around for a few hours and taped everything we did. I hadn’t watched it because I just kind of forgot about. Jeremy watched it and he said he’d left something for me on it. He gave it to me a few months ago and I just now decided to watch it.
I popped the tape in the vcr and turned on the tv. In the beginning we were laughing and holding hands. I couldn’t believe how happy we were. It seemed like forever ago. I’d give anything to have that day back. After about an hour watching us hug, kiss, laugh, smile, and be happy, the tape stopped. I got up from the floor and was about to go turn off the vcr and take out the tape but then Jeremy came on the tape. He said he added something to it but I wasn’t sure what. I sat back on the floor and stared at the tv. It was a close up of his face and he started talking.
“Hey, surprise! I told you I added something special. I want to tell you something, something that I’ve never been able to say to you before.” He paused for a minute and looked down. I started crying again. I wiped the tears from my eyes but more kept coming.
He looked up and he had tears in his eyes but he was smiling.
“I love you, and you know that. I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes. But what you may not know, is that, you are my life. I know that I am your life but I’ve never really realized how much you meant to me before today. Today, when I was watching this video, I saw you smiling and I saw me smiling and I couldn’t believe how happy we are. We are perfect for each other. If you were to ever leave me, I just, I don’t know what I’d do. I wouldn’t be able to breathe. You’re my reason I’m here and I’m your reason you’re here. But promise me, if anything were to happen to me, you’d be okay and you wouldn’t do anything stupid. You don’t deserve the pain I know you’re going through. We both have been through a lot and we both have secrets from each other, but I love you and that’s all that matters. And I needed to tell you this, before it was too late.”
I couldn’t believe it. It’s all my fault. I left him. I went away to a hospital. I’m the one who put him through so much pain. I’m the reason. No, this isn’t happening. I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die. I ran out of my room and into the bathroom. I threw up blood again and I watched my tears fall into the toilet. I layed on the floor and screamed.
“NO! This isn’t happening. Please please Jeremy! Come back! I never meant to leave you!”
My mom ran up to the bathroom and opened the door. She layed down by me and held on to me and we cried together. She told me everything would be alright. But I didn’t believe her. I eventually stopped crying so hard and got up. We walked back to my room and she told me to get some sleep but obviously I would never be able to sleep again. She gave me a hug and said she loved me. She was about to close the door when I said, “Mom I want to go back.”
I was still crying a little and she was too. She nodded and closed the door. I didn’t have a good Christmas and I didn’t go out of the house. I didn’t get to see my friends or even talk to them. I stayed in my room till my parents took me back to the hospital. I needed Katie and Mary.

It was time to go back to the hospital. My parents didn’t want me to go so soon, they wanted to help me but they knew they couldn’t, nobody could. The only person who could help me is gone now. It took over an hour to get back to the hospital because of the snow. I was wrapped up in a blanket and I was so weak and numb. I wanted to open the car and fall out but I knew I couldn’t. I had to be strong for Jeremy. Jeremy told me to be okay. But that’s impossible, I’ll never be okay.

___________________________________________

Chapter 17

We got to hospital and I walked slowly to the door, even though I wanted to run but I was way too weak. Mary and Katie were sitting in the lobby waiting for me. They knew what happened. Word goes around fast. They saw me walk in and ran up to hug me. They almost knocked me over. We were all crying. I said bye to my parents and they gave me a big hug and said they’d see me soon. Mary, Katie, and I went back to our room. The nurse said that Katie could sleep over in our room for a few nights to comfort me. Everyone there was so supportive! They made me feel so loved. I wanted to stay there forever.
Mary, Katie, and I stayed up all night talking about what happened. We cried and I think I actually smiled because Katie said she was trying to impress a cute guy in the guys’ wing but instead she ran into a door and broke her nail. Katie was always known to brighten someone’s day, even if it makes her look stupid. They both hugged me a lot and listened to my vent. I told them I really wanted to cut but they said they wouldn’t let me.
Around 4 am Mary and Katie fell asleep. I didn’t. I snuck out of the room and went down to the bathroom. I found a sharp screw and started slashing at my legs. I never wear shorts so nobody will ever know. I cut my stomach a little too. While I was cutting, I watched the droplets of blood fill the sink and I watched my tears fall from my eyes into the droplets of blood. I thought it was beautiful. I looked up at the mirror and I jumped. I was so shocked of who I saw. I definitely wasn’t Raine anymore. I was some depressed girl. I looked even worse than before. My face was so pale and my eyes were sunken and I had REALLY dark circles under them. My face was soaked with the tears and I took a towel and washed my face. I was hoping to wash away my tears but it didn’t work because they just came right back. It made me really mad. I was back to my depressing self now. I walked back to the room. When I got there, Mary and Katie were sitting on my bed. I was surprised they were awake. “Where were you?” Katie asked. “I had to pee.” I smiled and sat on the bed also. Luckily I was wearing my long sleeve shirt to bed.
“No.” Katie pulled up one of my sleeves and revealed my secret. “How could you?! We promised! I know that you think you had a good reason but just because Jeremy killed himself doesn’t mean you have to! Break the cycle. Raine I can’t believe you!”
“Oh shut up. You don’t understand. Non of you do. He was my life. I was his life. We are meant to be together no matter where we end up. I’m always going to love him but now I won’t ever see him again and that is the hardest thing to deal with. I used to wake up everyday with a smile and go to school just to see him. We would walk through the halls holding hands, laughing and talking. Everything was perfect but I let my emotions take over and look where everything is now. I was anorexic for a few years and that led me to cutting and other suicidal thoughts. I’ll never be better because he isn’t here to help me.”
I wasn’t really crying, I was kind of yelling at them. I was mad. I had to let it all out, all my anger.
“We care about you. Everyone does. Jeremy isn’t the only one who can help you. You’re the only one who can help you. Do you remember that? You told me that.” Mary had tears in her eyes. I do remember telling her that because one day she was very upset about something that happened and I tried to comfort her. God, I’m such a hypocrite.

The next morning we all decided to go see Doctor Sanders, the psychologist, and talk to her. Katie and Mary said it would be good for me. I said sure just so they would shut up about it. I wasn’t planning on spilling my soul out to this lady I barely knew and she probably didn’t even care.
We got dressed and I put my make up on. I tried to look as good as possible so the doctor wouldn’t think I was really as depressing as Katie and Mary say I am. I put on lots of make up to cover the dark circles and the scars on my arms.
We took the elevator instead because it was 9 am and we didn’t feel like walking that much in the morning since we didn’t get much sleep that night. We waited outside the office for awhile and then the secretary said we could go in. I got really nervous when I started talking towards the door. I hadn’t seen Doctor Sanders for a few weeks now. She was probably wondering how I was doing, or she probably already heard about Jeremy. Katie and Mary sat on the one of the couches and I sat on the chair. Mary knew Doctor Sanders very well because she’s gone to so many visits and said she has helped her a lot.
“Hey Kim!” Mary smiled at Doctor Sanders. She even called her by her first name because they were so close.
“Hey Mary, how have you been?” She sat down on a chair next to mine and looked at Mary in a cheerful way.
“Oh I’m fine. It’s Raine we are concerned about, I’m sure you’ve heard what happened.”
“Ah yes. I have. I am so sorry to hear about Jeremy. How are you taking this?” Doctor Sanders turned and looked at me. She looked so concerned and it was like she really did care and really did want to help me.
“Well, not too good. He was my boyfriend. How would you feel if your husband died?” After I said that I felt kind of bad. I didn’t want to make her sad or anything. “I didn’t mean it like tha-.” She stopped me and said,
“No that’s fine. I know how I would feel. I wouldn’t be that great either. It is hard but that’s why we are here. To help you and give you support when you need it most.” She smiled a little at me.
I felt a little better because she obviously wasn’t mad at me. She probably never gets mad.

___________________________________________

Chapter 18

We were all in her office for about 2 hours. I let a lot of my emotions out and I think it did help me a little. I was learning to deal with Jeremy being gone. I had to go back every other day because Doctor Sanders wanted to check up on me because she doesn’t want me to slip any further into depression. She is an amazing person.

I was having a really good day and I was eating a little more. Mary, Katie, and I went out for a walk, even though it was freezing. We need it to clear our mind. Katie seemed a little distant. We haven’t talked much about what’s going on in her life lately and I knew she wasn’t doing great. I could just feel it. Everyone was so caught up with me that nobody noticed her.
“Hey, how are you doing Katie?” I looked at her and watched my breath in air disappear slowly.
“I’m okay. Thanks for asking.”
She frowned a little but kept looking at her feet. She was doing that a lot lately. She was always the best at eye contact but lately, she hasn’t been looking at anyone. Maybe she’s scared that someone will see her pain and feel it.
“Hey! Race you guys to the swings!!” Mary sprinted up the ho;; and we ran after her. Katie kind of jogged. Of course Mary got her favorite swing. I was in the middle and Katie was on my left. We all swung high together.
“Why are there swing sets here? Isn’t this place for like teenagers?”
“No, there’s a children’s wing. Didn’t you know?” Mary told me.
“Oh, no. What’s wrong with the children?”
“Same thing with us. There are suicidal, depressed kids out there. Most of them are mentally ill though or bipolar. I met a girl once that had multiple personalities. It was kind of scary. Because one minute she was this sweet little girl playing with barbies. The next she was evil and taking the heads off. I stopped going up there after that.” Mary laughed and so did I. “I want to go sometime. I’m sure they’d love visitors! Plus, I love kids.” I smiled and looked at Mary.
“Yeah, just stay away from that girl. She’s cute and all but, evil! They lock her up sometimes. It’s sad. Her parents never come to visit her either and so I’d always go up and talk to her. But not after she attacked me with her barbie furniture. She threw it all at me when I was walking out the door.” She started laughing again and Katie kind of giggled.
“Oh alright. I think it’s time to go visit the guys! What do you say?” I looked at both of them and they smiled and said yeah at the same time.
We jumped off our swing and started running to the hospital. We got to the guy wing and there weren’t any guys out. We assumed they were all watching the game in the tv room. We went there but only saw a few. They were the creepy ones though. We asked them where everyone else was and they said they all went to the girls’ wing. So we ran back to our wing very quickly. We were hoping there’d be guys waiting for us in our rooms!
We got there in a few minutes and ran to the bathroom first. We fixed our hair and our make up. Katie still didn’t look too happy. She was a little better though. She was excited because she really liked this one guy, Matt, and he liked her. They both had some of the same problems though. They’d fight once in awhile but it was really cute. I hadn’t really looked at any guy because I had Jeremy. I wasn’t ready for another guy but I was looking for a good friend. After we got out of the bathroom we walked to the tv room and there were a few guys sitting there. There weren’t many girls around. Everyone had gone it seemed like. I sat down next to a guy named Derrek with brown hair. It was gelled a little bit and I thought it was really hot. He was pretty dark and he kinda reminded me of Jeremy. But I loved his eyes, I looked into them and they were so beautiful. It was crazy, but at first I thought they were Jeremy’s eyes because when we were talking I called him Jeremy. He kind of looked down and asked me who Jeremy was. I told him and he felt really bad for me. He gave me a big hug and said he’s always there for me. It was so sweet! Katie got to talk to Matt for a while and Mary met a guy named Kyle. We talked with them for a few hours then we went to dinner together.
I didn’t eat much. I really wasn’t feeling that great. I was still depressed and all but I tried to be normal around Derrek. Maybe he was putting on an act with me too, who knows. But dinner went by quickly and the guys walked us to our wing and then gave us hugs and left.
Throughout the night, we wouldn’t sleep. We were excited about what had just happened. Katie still seemed upset though and we weren’t sure why. Katie didn’t sleep in our room that night, she had to go back to hers. Mary and I stayed up and talked most of the night. She said that she was worried about Katie too. We said we’d talk to her in the morning and see what’s up.

That morning, when I woke up, something didn’t feel right. I got out of bed, it was around 8 am, and went down the hall to Katie’s room. I knocked a few times and nobody answered. So I opened the door and went inside.

___________________________________________

Chapter 19

“Katie? Are you here?” I looked around her room. She wasn’t there. She hadn’t even slept in her bed that night because it was the way she left it yesterday.
“Oh my god!”
I turned my head and looked out the door down the hall. A girl was screaming from the bathroom. I ran to the bathroom to see what happened. I got there and moved the girl so I could see.
“No!” I fell to the floor and started crying. Katie was laying there, dead.
The girl ran to get a nurse. I heard the screams and tears coming from the hall. A bunch of girls came running out of the rooms and into the bathroom. They all screamed and some of them started crying. Everyone was shocked that Katie was laying there dead. Nobody knew what to say or do.
I noticed the pills in Katie’s hand. She had overdosed. I knew something was wrong, I shouldn’t have left her alone in her room last night. I should have made her stay with me. Why? How could I be so stupid! I was mad at myself. I could have stopped this. I am so worthless, I killed Jeremy and Katie. I wanted to take those pills out of her hand and stuff them in my mouth. I tried to hold myself back though. Soon, a bunch of nurses came running in. They screamed just like everyone else. They were crying and one ran to get someone else to help them. They made all of us leave but I layed down by Katie still crying. They had to remove me and walk me to my room.
I got to my room and opened the door. I was crying so hard now. Mary just woke up and she was so confused.
“Katie’s dead.” I layed on my bed sobbing.
“What?!” Mary jumped up and looked at me. “No, she can’t. She’s fine! Raine! Talk to me.” Mary started crying. She didn’t believe it.
“No, she’s not fine. She killed herself!” I looked up at Mary and then buried my head into my pillow.
Mary ran out of the room. I wasn’t sure where she was going but I figured it was to Doctor Sanders.
A few hours passed and I guess I had fallen asleep. I woke up and Mary’s bed was made and it felt like everything was just a bad dream. I really hoped it was. I got up and got dressed. It was noon now. I went down to eat lunch, even though I wasn’t hungry. Some people were down there eating and I saw Mary in the line to get food. I went over to her and she looked a little depressed, everyone kind of did.
“Are you okay?” I asked her while I grabbed an apple.
“I will be. But will you?” She looked at me seriously.
“Yeah, someday.” I frowned. I tried not thinking about Katie and what her face looked like when I saw her laying in the bathroom. She looked very frightened. Like she didn’t want to die but she had no choice. Kind of like Jeremy.
After we all ate dinner we went to the conference room. They explained about Katie and said if anyone needed support, they were there. It made everyone cry though because lots of people were shocked. But none of them really knew Katie. I think they were just faking it.
The guy that Katie liked, Matt, was very upset. He came up to me and said, “I really did like her. I thought she was so beautiful. I can’t believe she did that. It’s…it’s unbelievable.” He gave me a hug. So did Derrek and Kyle. They all made us feel better and they said they’re always here for us. Derrek really was sorry because he knows about Jeremy, and now I just lost one of my best friends.
Mary and I didn’t sleep that night. We had no reason to. We stayed up all night talking about everything. We cried a lot and some of the nurses came in to comfort us. They knew we were the closest to Katie. I was really upset because Katie didn’t even leave a note or a hint that she was going to kill herself. She didn’t even say one last goodbye. Mary and I were really wondering about that. We were so curious that we broke into her room. We had a key so we just went right in. Everything looked perfect. Nobody had been in there since I was in there this morning looking for her. We searched her drawers and found her clothes and her personal stuff. I found her diary but I put it back where it was. I wasn’t there to raid her privacy, I was there to see if she wrote anyone a note. But, there was nothing. So we left and walked down to the bathroom. I drank some water and Mary took a quick shower. I heard some gagging noises coming from the shower so I walked over and asked Mary if she was all right. She didn’t answer. I was really worried so I opened the curtain and she was leaning against the wall puking. I ran for a nurse and they came right away. They got Mary out and told me to go back to my room.
On my way back to my room I looked over my shoulder and they were both carrying Mary. I was really worried. I didn’t know what was wrong with her. I got into my bed and didn’t shut my eyes. I watched the stars on the ceiling fade away because the sun was rising. Once my room was totally bright, I got up and walked down to the lobby. I wanted to know if Mary was alright.
When I got there, there were a bunch of girls in a circle talking about something. I didn’t really like the girls, they were all heartless and snobby. I went over there anyways to listen.
“She can’t be bulimic Michelle, she’s too fat,” Emily said.
They were talking about Mary. I was really mad but I kept listening.
“I heard she overdosed in the shower. They found a pill in there,” Laura said in a really quiet voice.
“Nah, I doubt that. She’s always wanted to get attention though. Katie just died and everyone is focusing on that instead of her. She just faked it,” Emily said again.
I really didn’t like Emily. She was mean to everyone. Especially Katie and Mary. Katie always came to me crying because of what Emily said to her.
“You guys are wasting your time,” I said to them and rolled my eyes.
“Oh, well hi Raine. So, you’ve lost your boyfriend and your two best friends. What are you going to do?” Emily said in a really bitchy tone.
“Mary’s not dead. She’s in the emergency room bitch,” I walked away from all of them and went to find a nurse. I finally found one by the water fountain.
“Hey do you know how Mary’s doing?”
“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t say anything about her condition. I’m so sorry dear.”
The nurse was really old and called everyone dear. It was really annoying and I wanted to smack her across the face because she wouldn’t tell me anything.
I walked back to my room and sat on my bed. I felt so worthless. I was really depressed. I needed Jeremy. I needed Katie. I needed Mary.
“Where the hell is everyone going?! Why are they leaving me?!” I threw my pillow and broke down. The pillow hit Mary’s vase and it shattered onto the floor. I didn’t care though. But I did notice the sharp pieces on the floor. I went over and picked a big sharp piece. It looked so beautiful. It was a glittery blue and had a really great edge to cut with. I pulled up my sleeves and began cutting. It felt so good! I couldn’t believe it. All of the pain went away. I felt nothing but the blade against my skin and the blood drippling down. I was in control again!
(Knock Knock) Someone was at the door. I put a blanket over the glass and slid my sleeves back down and wiped my hands on a towel. I got up and opened the door and smiled. It was the old nurse.
“Yes?”
“Oh, you have a phone call dear!” She was so excited. Probably because nobody ever calls me anymore. She thinks I’m some big loser with no friends.
I left my room and headed down to where the phones were. I was really beginning to get sick of this place. I wanted to get out. The nurse showed me which phone it was and I picked it up.
“Hello?”

”Hey babe!” It was Courtney. I haven’t talked to her in a few weeks. I really missed her.
“Hey! Oh my god, I haven’t talked to you in forever!”
“Oh I know! I miss yah girly!!” She was so hyper and happy.
“Yeah. Well you know it’s been rough for me lately. Did my parents tell you about Katie?”
“Yeah. That’s so sad. I’m sorry Raine! Why didn’t you call me? You know I’m always here for you!”
“I know, I know. It was just a confusing and hard time okay? Now Mary is in the ER and I don’t know why.” I wasn’t pretending to be happy now. Courtney knew I was depressed so what was the point?
“Are you serious?! That’s awful! Gosh I don’t know what to say. Things must be hard for you right now. I really hope she’s okay!”
“I know. I’ve just been waiting for hours and I haven’t heard anything.” I almost started crying.
“Hey, well I have to tell you something…” Courtney paused for a few moments.

___________________________________________

Chapter 20

“Jack is dead.”
“What?” Jack was one of my best guy friends. He was always there for me no matter what. I was hoping she wasn’t serious.
“He died last week. He was hit by a drunk driver. It’s been very hard on all of us and no one would tell you so I had to. I’m so sorry babe! I know how close you guys were.” Courtney was crying now.
“Court, I…I can’t beliece this! Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? Has there been a funeral and everything?!” I started crying hard now. I could barely breathe and I was shaking. Everyone was disappearing.
“I’m sorry! I tried but I couldn’t get a hold of you. Plus Jeremy and Katie just died and this would be very hard on you. And now you tell me Mary is in the ER. Nobody wanted to hurt you. Yes, the funeral was Sunday. It was very sad. Everyone from school was there and crying. I had to leave early because I just couldn’t take it. His parents took it pretty hard too. Since Jack has never ever drank in his life. He shouldn’t have been the one to die, it should have been the drunk kid. Actually, the guy who hit Jack goes to our school. You know him…it was Josh.” She was crying a little. I knew she was taking this hard.
“No!” Josh was the guy that has had a major crush on me since 7th grade. I couldn’t believe it. I was appalled. I said bye to Courtney and hung up the phone.
I ran back to my room crying so hard. I crawled in bed and layed there crying in the dark. I was so weak again. Why is this happening all at once? Why is everyone leaving me?
I pondered for hours. About why everyone is dying. Why is god doing this to me? Why is one day perfect, the next it’s horrible? Why has my world stopped turning? Where was Mary? Is she ever coming back?
I didn’t leave my room for dinner or for anything. I didn’t need food anyways. I still layed in my bed crying. A few nurses came in and talked to me. I wouldn’t look at them though. I stared straight at the wall. I watched the clock slowly change from 6 pm to 11 pm. Around 11:30 I got up and went over to my desk. There was a picture frame sitting on it. I looked at it. I knew who it was. It was Jack and I. We were swinging in his back year. He had this big smile on and so did I. We were laughing and having so much fun. I loved those days.
I would spend hours at his house just doing stupid stuff. I remember one day, we were 15 and we decided it’d be cool if we sold lemonade like we used to do. So we went out in his front yard and sold lemonade. It was so much fun. We eventually gave the money to the homeless shelter.
But now, he was gone. Just like Jeremy…just like Katie. A few tears fell from my eyes. I walked back to my bed and layed down in it. I turned off my lamp and closed my eyes. I was still crying though. But then again, I always cried.

The next morning, I got up and wiped the tears away. I looked over at Mary’s bed. She was laying in it. I was shocked. I almost screamed. I jumped out of bed and ran to her bed.
“Mary! Mary! Mary!” I shook her a little. She rolled over and opened her eyes.v “What?!” She was obviously really tired.
“You’re back!” I was still really upset but I was just so glad to see her.
“Yes, it’s 6 am too.” She closed here eyes and I looked at the clock. She was right. But I couldn’t sleep now. Mary was back! I had to know everything. I had to know what was wrong. And I had to tell her about Jack. I really needed her. But I let her sleep.
I left the room and went to the tv room. There was one other person up. It was Becca. We were getting along now. I sat down and stared at the tv. I wasn’t really watching it. I was mesmerized by my life. I just sat there. Time slowly passed and I waited till Mary got up.
Around 9 am Mary got up. I followed her to the bathroom. I wouldn’t stop asking her what happened. She kept telling me she’d tell me later.
She was walking into the shower and I flowed her in there.
“Um, Raine. I’m about to take a shower.” She was hinting to me to get out.
“Oh! Right. Sorry. I’ll wait for you out here.”
I walked out and waited for her. She always took long showers, like me.

___________________________________________

Chapter 21

I waited for her in our room. She took forever though. She must have really missed showers. Finally, Mary came into the room. She was all dressed and she looked really depressed.
“So?! What’s wrong with you?” I was so worried about her.
“I’m sick. They say I have this deadly disease. I’m not sure what it is. But it’s very bad. It’s spread through my whole body. It’s some type of cancer. But, it’s not curable.” She started crying now.
“Oh my god. Mary!” I gave her a big hug and we started crying.
“I really don’t want to die now. Not like this!” She started sobbing harder now. I didn’t know what to say.
“What else did they say?!”
“They told me to start packing my stuff because I’d be placed into another hospital. There’s no hope Raine. I’m dying.”
“Mary! Don’t say this. You can fight this. You’ve fought everything else! I know you can do this. Please please just be strong and hang in there! I can’t lose you too. One of my friends just died Mary. Everything is happening way too fast! My whole world is upside down and people keep falling off it. I don’t get it! Why is everyone leaving me? What did I do to deserve this? I mean, I’m not even depressed anymore. All I want to do is go home and cry my eyes out because I’ve just lost 3 best friends and now I’m losing you! Nobody understands that!”
I ran out the door as fast as I could go. I didn’t know where I was running. I just kept running. I didn’t get it at all. All I wanted to do was go home. Lay in my own bed, look up at my own ceiling and cry forever. I want to look at my pictures. I want to be in Jeremy’s warm arms. But I never can…all because of this stupid hospital.
I ran through the guy wing and ran into Derrek. He caught me and said, “Woah! Where you running off to?” He looked at me and saw all my tears. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
I knew he was really worried. But I didn’t want to be with him. I wanted Jeremy.
“Don’t touch me! You’re not Jeremy!” I ran off.
Eventually I ended outside on the swing set. I was out there till it started getting dark and the nurse made me come in.
“Hey sweetie, it’s time to come in. It’s time to eat. I know you must be hungry. You skipped lunch.” The nurse grabbed my hand and we walked to the lunch room. I actually wasn’t hungry. But I ate a little bit to make everyone happy. Mary seemed better though. She was happy she was getting out of here even though she was going to die in another hospital.

I got up early the next morning so I could talk to Doctor Sanders. I really needed to talk to someone! Mary was still asleep when I left the room. I eventually got to her office and knocked.
“Come in.”
I wondered if she ever slept. She was always there for anyone anytime. I opened the door slowly and walked in. I closed the door and sat down by her desk.
“Well hello Raine! Long time no see. How are you doing today?” She seemed so happy, it was scary.
“I want to go home.” I started crying now. “Why?” Doctor Sanders knew why but she just had to ask.
“Everyone is dying on me. I’ve lost my boyfriend, 2 friends…now I’m losing Mary. I just can’t take being locked up in here. I need my friends. I need my family. Can I just please go back?”
“Oh Raine. You’re not better. Yes you have been eating pretty good but you are not safe to be out there. You could hurt yourself anytime with all this stress. I know it’s hard but you just have to stay here for a little bit longer. Mary will be okay. She’s a strong girl and she will live her life to the fullest. And when she does pass on, I know you will be there…holding her hand. Because you are a true friend. I know you can’t leave her.”
She was right but I still didn’t want to see her.
“But, please. I need my life back!” I looked at her straight in the eyes and my tears were falling onto my jeans.
“Please Raine. I wish I could send you back right away. But I can not do that. That’s not up to me. You need to talk to your parents and the people here.”
I knew she was serious. I could see it in her eyes. She wanted to send me back because she knows I don’t belong here. I sat there for a few minutes not saying anything. Just crying. Doctor Sanders got up and gave me a big hug. She told me it was time for breakfast and that we would eat together today.
“Thanks.” I smiled a little as we walked down the hall.

___________________________________________

Chapter 22

That morning, I woke up crying. It was Mary’s last day here. I wouldn’t be able to see her for a week or even talk to her. I was very upset. She was going to a brand new hospital where there is a bunch of sick kids. Mary didn’t even seem sick, she was perfectly normal. She wasn’t really that sad about it. She had such a positive attitude. And she felt really bad for leaving me here all alone but she kept reminding me that I had Derrek.
The day passed by fast. I hung around with Mary all day. We sat on our swings and talked about Katie and everything. We cried and laughed. It was all so sad. We went to the guy wing and talked to our guys. Derrek gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. He told me he is always here for me. He’s such a sweet guy. But I was still with Jeremy…I’ll always be with Jeremy. Around 5 pm it was time for Mary to go. Her bed was made…perfectly. Everything was packed. She turned around and looked at me before she walked out the door.
“Here, this is for you.” She handed me a box. I wasn’t sure what was in it. But I cried anyways.
“Mary, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want to get out so bad. I can’t stay here anymore.”
“I know, you won’t be here much longer. Don’t worry. And believe me…I will be okay. Everything will be okay. Just keep trying to get better and keep talking to Doctor Sanders. Lift your head up and smile girl. I know you can do it!” She gave me a big hug and we didn’t let go for about a minute.
“Are you set?” Doctor Sanders came in the room. She was taking Mary to the new hospital.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” Mary looked at me and smiled. Then walked out.
I sat on her bed and cried. Then I looked at the box. I picked it up and traced the edges with my fingers. It was a brown old box. It was like a little treasure chest. The key was attached to the side so I opened it. I looked at it for awhile. Then took it out of the box. I started crying. It was a glass Angel. And engraved was the words, “I’m watching over you.” It was so beautiful. I sat it on my night stand and looked at it. I looked down at the box again and there was something else. It was a picture of me and Jeremy that I’ve never seen before. I wondered how she got it. Then there was a little note attached to the frame. It said,

“Raine,
When you were seeing Doctor Sanders one day, Jeremy stopped by. He left this picture and this box for you. He showed me it and it made me cry. He said he didn’t want you to know he stopped by so I kept it a secret. But I had to tell you now. The Angel is also from him. You see Raine, he did love you. I really wish I told you he stopped by. He was so sad that he didn’t get to see you. You should have seen his face. He almost started crying. But I hid this from you for a long time. I hope you are okay now that you know about this. I love you Raine…

Love Always,
Mary”

I couldn’t believe it. The Angel was from Jeremy! I cried even more. And the picture was so beautiful. I layed on Mary’s bed and shut my eyes. I had such a wonderful dream. I dreamt that Jeremy came to my house and he gave me a dozen roses. He gave me an amazing kiss and looked at me. I woke up and then I realized that wasn’t a dream. It was the real thing…because that did happen. That was before all this stuff happened. Way before I started cutting. It was when life was perfect. So I cried.
I sat there crying for awhile. Then someone knocked on my door. I got up and opened it. It was Derrek. He had something behind his back. I wasn’t sure what.
“I heard you crying…are you okay?” He looked so worried.
“Yeah, I just had a bad dream.” I smiled a little and I told him to come in. He came in. “What’s that?” I looked at his arm that was behind his back.
“Oh, these are for you.” In his hand…there was a dozen roses.
“Oh Derrek! You didn’t have to do that!” They were so beautiful. I was a bit overwhelmed though.
“Mary told me you loved roses. So I thought I’d bring you some to cheer you up.”
He smiled at me and I smiled back. I put the roses on my desk. Then I started to cry.
“Are, are you okay?” Derrek put his arm around my waist and looked at me.
“I…I…don’t understand.” I looked at his beautiful brown eyes.
“Raine, I really like you. And if you don’t like me then that’s fine. I totally understand. I know all about Jeremy and you. There is no pressure.”
“No, that’s the thing. I do like you Derrek. But I just don’t understand how I could because I’m always gonna love Jeremy. Jeremy is my first love and my last. But you came along and I have feelings towards you but, we can only be friends.” I stopped crying a little and looked at his sad face.
“Oh, yeah. I understand. I’m still always here for you though.”
He looked at me and smiled. I smiled. Then slowly…we got closer and closer and our lips touched.

The next day I thought about everything that happened last night. About the kiss…the roses…the looks…the feelings. I was so mixed up. I asked Jeremy for forgiveness and then I remembered what he told me one day. He told me that if anything ever happened to him…that I should find someone else because he doesn’t want me to live my life alone. He wants me to fall in love again. But that was so difficult. I couldn’t love anyone else but him!
I needed to talk to Derrek. I went over to the guys’ wing and knocked on his door. He opened it and was so shocked to see me.
“Raine! Wow, what a surprise. I was just coming to see you.”
“Yeah, um, can we talk?” I looked at the ground and then back at him. He looked so cute standing there.
“Yeah of course. Let’s take a walk. My roommate is sleeping right now.”
He came out and we walked down the hall together. We weren’t really sure where we were going.
“Well, about last night, the kiss…” he interrupted me. “I am so sorry. I knew you weren’t ready. It’s all my fault. It was just the moment…I couldn’t resist!”
I knew he felt really bad about it all but actually, the kiss was all my fault. I’m the one that got in closer and closer.
“No, you don’t understand. It was all me. I’m the one that wanted to. I saw you and I don’t know. It just felt right.”
“You know, I think we both wanted to. But we just were scared. I felt something though…when we kissed. It was like, the world stopped and all my problems and thoughts just went away.”
“That’s what I felt too.” I looked at him and he looked at me. And then we kissed.

___________________________________________

Chapter 23

I looked at Derrek and we smiled. He gave me a big hug and he took my hand and we kept walking. I told him I needed some time alone and he agreed so we went separate ways. I was on my way to talk to Doctor Sanders.
I got to her door and knocked. She was there and she was a little sad about Mary. She told me to come in and have a seat like always.
“Hey Raine! How are you doing tonight?” She gave me a big smile but I knew she was upset.
“I’m good, how about you?”
“Oh, I’m pretty good.” She looked down at her big stack of papers and sighed.
“Well, did you talk to my parents yet?” She was supposed to talk to my parents and convince them that I was better so they could take me home.
“Yes, yes I did.” She looked down again.
“And…” I was getting impatient.
“Well, I told them. They are very happy that you are better. But they aren’t sure if you should come home yet. They need to talk to you personally first.” She looked at me and smiled a little.
“Really? Well that shouldn’t be a problem! They can drive up here tomorrow! I’d be glad to talk things through with them!” I got up and smiled.
“Yeah, but, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” I sat back down. She was serious.
“Mary died this morning.” She looked so sad now.
“What?” My mouth dropped to the floor.
“They put her on medicine for the pain and there was a chemical reaction and her body couldn’t take it. And she just died in her sleep. Her first night there. I’m really sorry. It’s been hard on all of us. I was waiting to tell everyone but I wanted to tell you personally because you knew her the best.”
Tears rolled down my cheek and I didn’t wipe them away. Doctor Sanders got up and gave me a big hug. I cried on her shoulder for an hour.
I walked out of the room still crying. I slowly made it up to my room and layed on my bed. I looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. And I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up crying and two nurses were sitting on Mary’s bed.
“Hey sweetie, how you doing?” The old nurse looked at me.
I didn’t respond. I closed my eyes again and cried.
“Oh now now, dear, please don’t cry. Mary’s in a better place.” She smiled at me and sat next to me on my bed. She slowly patted my back. She was trying to be my grandma and it made me really mad.
“How the hell am I supposed to pretend that everything is okay?! How am I not supposed to cry when my friend just died? Just leave me alone!”
I ran out the door and to the bathroom. I found one of the screws and cut again…so deep. It felt good. I cut my legs because my parents were coming today and if they saw the cuts…I wouldn’t be able to leave…ever.
I got up off the floor and rinsed the blood off. I hoped that the nurses were gone. I needed to get ready for my parents. I had to look good. But that was kind of hard since Mary died.

I went to Doctor Sanders’s office where my parents would be waiting. I looked pretty good…it was Doctor Sanders that didn’t look too happy. She told them about Mary and they felt really bad for me. I walked in and they both jumped up and gave me a big hug. It was hard to breathe and I kind of had to push them away.
We all sat down on the couch and Doctor Sanders sat in the chair. She had my records out and she was reading some of my accomplishments since I’ve came here. My mom was thrilled that I was eating normally. Even though, I didn’t tell anyone, occasionally I’d throw up everything. But I had to, unless I’d get fat.
“She hasn’t harmed herself in a few weeks, we are proud of that aren’t we Raine?” Doctor Sanders looked at me and smiled. She had no idea what I just did an hour ago.
“Yep! I am so proud of myself! After all I’ve been through, I’ve finally realized that taking things out on myself is never the answer.”
I smiled and looked at my parents. They were shocked at my positive attitude, so was I. I was faking though, I knew I wasn’t better. At least, not totally.
“Sweetie, are you sure you are going to be okay? You do realize, that if you come home, you will have all the memories of Jeremy and Jack there. It could just make things worse.”
“Yes Mom, I understand completely. But it could make things better. I really need to be with my true friends mom. Don’t you get that? I don’t like it here. Mary and Katie are dead. Derrek is getting better and he’s almost out of here. I need to get out, I need to live the rest of my life. I promise I won’t harm myself anymore.” I had tears in my eyes and my parents were crying.
“Doctor Sanders, I think it’s time for my daughter to go home.” My dad smiled at me. I smiled back. I was thrilled.

I had all day to pack up my stuff. I wasn’t leaving until tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to spend my day with Derrek. I couldn’t wait to tell him the news! He’ll be so happy. And once he gets out of here, we can be together again!
It took me 15 minutes to find him. He was in the music room playing the piano. I didn’t know he was that good. It was so beautiful. I watched him sit there, concentrating really hard on the song and once in awhile he’d close his eyes and take it all in. It really meant something to him. I could tell. When he stopped, he sat there in silence. He had no idea I was there.
“That was so beautiful.” I walked over to him and he jumped. He turned around and looked at me.
“Oh, that. It’s alright. It’s just a little something I made up. No biggie.” He smiled at me and took my hand.
“No, it was truly amazing. It made my heart stop. Are there any lyrics to it?” I smiled at him.
“Yeah…” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a paper with a bunch of words. “It’s for you.”
I was shocked. He wrote a song for me! Jeremy never did that. He wrote little sweet poems…but this was…wow. I read through the song slowly. It was so sweet. I started crying.
“Oh gosh! This is so beautiful. But why did you write it for me?” I looked at him and he wiped away my tears.
“Because you are beautiful.” He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.
“Derrek, I have something to tell you!” I looked at him and smiled big.
“Alright, go for it.” He put his hands on my legs.
“I’m leaving tomorrow! Derrek I’m getting out of here!” I jumped up. He slowly got up.
“Really?!” He smiled big.
“YES!” I gave him a big hug and he picked me up and swung me around. He was so strong!
“I’m so happy for you Raine!” He had tears in his eyes.
“I’m going to miss you so much Derrek! But you’ll get out soon! I know you will!” I smiled at him and gave him a big kiss.
He looked down. “Um, I don’t think I will anymore.”
“What? Why?”
“I did something stupid last night.”
“What?” I was scared now.
“I tried to overdose. The nurse caught me in the bathroom around 2 am. Raine it just isn’t fair!” He was crying so much now. I didn’t know what to do. I gave him a big hug.
“Why did you do that Derrek? How could you? You were perfect! You were almost out of here!” I started crying. I couldn’t bear to see him in so much pain. And now I was leaving him.
“I, I don’t know. I really don’t want you to leave. But I know it’s for the best now. I’m so sorry!”
I couldn’t believe it. He really doesn’t want me to leave him.
“Derrek, I’m not going to leave you. I’m just leaving the hospital. I’ll come back as much as I can to see you. Just keep trying to get better, lie if you have to. We need each other, I know.” I frowned at him.
He looked at me, and smiled. “Thanks.” And he winked at me.

The next morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. A few tears in my eyes, but I was just so happy to get out of here. I really needed some friends and sunshine. I got ready. I wore my best outfit, I curled my hair, I shaved my legs perfectly. I wore my normal clothes, to make me look more like me. As I started to walk out of the bathroom, I looked into the full length mirror. For the first time I saw what I truly looked like, who I truly was. I was happy, I was me. I smiled and winked at myself.
“Breathe Raine, breathe,” I said to myself as I walked to the guys’ wing to meet Derrek. I really hoped he was doing better than last night. I was so nervous to see him for some reason. I’m not sure if I was just so scared of leaving him or I was scared that he was still hurting. I wasn’t really sure. I slowly walked towards his room. I felt my heart start racing, my mind was exploding, and I had no idea why. I haven’t felt this nervous in my life. I felt like I was taking a huge step forward of my life, and maybe I was. I finally got to his room. I stood in front of the door for a minute. I wondered if he knew I was standing right outside his room. I wondered if he could feel me. Because I can always feel him. I inhaled slowly, and closed my eyes. I saw Jeremy’s face. He had the biggest and sweetest smile on his face, and there were tears in his eyes. I knew this was what he wanted. Jeremy chose Derrek to walk me through the rest of my life.
After a few minutes, I realized I should probably knock. I knocked twice. And the door slowly opened. And there stood, the most handsome guy in the world, the most amazing creature ever, Derrek. We looked at each other, and we both had tears in our eyes. He put his arms around me, and brought me closer. He shut the door, and we stood there, holding each other.
“I’m never gonna let go of you,” he whispered in my ear, then looked me in the eyes and said, “I love you.”
I closed my eyes for a few minutes, then I kissed him like I meant it and I knew he meant it.

___________________________________________

Chapter 24

I met my parents in the lobby and they already put my stuff in the car and they were standing there smiling big. Their arms were open and I have them a little hug. Doctor Sanders was standing by them and she opened up her arms and I gave her a big hug. I told her I’d come and visit everyone. She said she’ll always be here for me…and I believed her.
We drove home slowly. I looked out the window the whole time, just like when I first came here. A few tears fell from my eyes. I looked up to where ‘my’ window was. It was shut but the light was on. The hospital looked so empty and scary from out here. But really the place was where I met the greatest people. I couldn’t believe I finally got out. I was eating normal but I was still into cutting. Nobody was supposed to know that. I listed up my pants a little and looked at the cuts I did the day before. I smiled because I still thought they were beautiful. My parents thought I was fine. I was fine though, I just still had some problems. No big deal. It took longer than an hour to get home. At least, that’s what it seemed like. My mom said that all my friends were excited to see me. Especially Courtney and Michelle.
“That’s all they’ve been talking about!” My mom was smiling at me really big. She looked so happy. I was kind of happy. I was happy to escape that prison.
My dad slowly pulled up in the driveway and I opened the car door.
“Now, sweetie, if anything bad happens again, you know I am always here for you. I know you’re eating normal and if you start acting strange then we might have to send you back.” She frowned at me. I didn’t say anything, I just nodded in agreement. I had to be extra careful with my cuts then.
I walked inside the house. It seemed so different. It was clean, just the way I hoped it was. But there was something missing. It just seemed so empty. I didn’t know what. I walked over to the family room, just looking around. Then I realized what was missing.
“MOM! DAD!” I screamed at them. They came running in.
“What? What is it?” My mom said.
“How could you?” I looked up above the fireplace. I knew what was missing now.
“We are so sorry. We thought it would be bad if you saw it again.” My dad looked down and my mom tried to hug me. I backed away.
“Mom, Dad, you don’t get it. I NEED to see it!”
“Okay.” My mom reached into the cabinet and got the glass picture frame out and placed it on top of the fireplace.
“Thanks.” I looked at the picture of Jeremy and I at prom and slowly walked away.
I walked up the stairs and down the hall to my room. My room was cold. Cold and empty. I opened my drawer and took out my diary. My old diary. I started reading a few entries before I got taken to the hospital. I can’t believe how messed up I was. One entry said…
“Dear Diary,
Oh my god! I hate my stupid life. I hate my stupid family! Jeremy is being an ass. I just want to crawl up and die! I want to kill myself right now! I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop the blood from pouring out of my wrist. I cut and I cut deep. Shit, what if someone sees this? Will I be sent away?! NO! I won’t go! Today, I saw Jeremy walk into English and he looked so handsome. I couldn’t believe it. I tried looked good for him but it didn’t work. He probably found someone else. Someone else to fall in love with. Oh diary, I still love him! More than anything. I always will. I scared him away…help. I’m scaring everyone away. Ana told me I was fat again today. She said I needed to lose 10 more pounds, then Jeremy would love me again. And I believe her! I’ve lost a few today? Aren’t you proud? Wow, I sure am! Let’s see, Michelle told me to forget about Jeremy and that I could do better. But I can’t. I could never do better than him. He is the best. Well, I need to go cut some more. This isn’t enough!

Love,
Raine”
I couldn’t believe I wrote that. That seems so long ago. And I guess it was. It didn’t trigger me but it made me miss Jeremy even more. I was wrong. Jeremy never found another girl to fall in love with. His girl, was always me.
I put my diary away, back in its little drawer. I layed in bed, staring at the ceiling. After a few minutes, I got up and sat on the side of my bed. I looked around my room. Everything was the way I left it. But still, it felt cold and empty. Maybe it was because I wasn’t the old Raine anymore. Maybe it’s because I lost Jeremy. I really wasn’t sure. Or maybe it’s because I am so different now.
The phone rang and I didn’t answer it. Nobody would call me.
“Raine!” My dad yelled from downstairs. I sighed and picked up the phone.
“Hello?” I said in a perky Raine voice.
“Raine! You’re back!!” Courtney said was so excited.
“Hey Court, what’s going on?”
“I can’t believe you’re back already! I am so happy! We have to get together soon! Lauren is having a little party at her house this weekend. We all want you to come, I mean, if you’re up to it.”
“That’d be so awesome! Of course I want to come. I want to see everyone!” We talked for a few more minutes then I told her I had to go. I wanted to think some more.
I asked my parents if I could go driving and they said sure but to be back in an hour and a half and to take my cell phone with me. They still were worried I’d be kidnapped or I’d run away. I don’t have anywhere to run away to, so they shouldn’t freak out about that. And plus, nobody wants to kidnap a gross, depressed girl with cuts all over her arms…do they?
I walked out of my house as the sun was setting. I drove around for awhile. I don’t really know where I was driving. But somehow, I ended up outside Jeremy’s house. I had to go in. I had to see his parents. I slowly got out of the car and walked up to the front door. I was shaking so bad. I wasn’t sure why. I rang the doorbell and I heard his mom come from the hallway to the front door. She didn’t look to see who was out there. She just opened the door.
She started at me for awhile. Then she smiled.
“Hi.” I smiled at her.
She opened the door wider, telling me to come in. I walked in the door and all the memories flooded back to me. Jeremy’s dad wasn’t home. I assumed he was still at work.
“How are you?” She asked me. She seemed so happy to see me.
“I’m good, how about yourself?”
“I’m getting by. It’s hard but you just gotta keep breathing. Here, have a seat.” She pointed to the couch.
“You know I will never be able to forget about Jeremy.” I looked at their fireplace. Our prom picture was on top of theirs as well. “My parents took that down. But, they put it back.” I frowned as I looked at the picture.
“I like looking at it. It’s a good picture. You guys really cared about each other. You were his best friend. You were his life.” She had tears in her eyes now.
“Yeah, I always thought it was my fault. It took me awhile to believe it wasn’t. I mean, I didn’t help any but, he was hurting.”
“Oh, Raine, you helped him so much. You have no idea how much you changed him. Before he even met you, he was so sad. I could hear him crying in his sleep. We didn’t know why. We took him to so many doctors and nobody seemed to understand him. But when you came along, he stopped crying. He stopped hurting himself. Everything seemed to stop. He was happy for once in his life. I remember the first time he saw you. He came home, ran through the door and yelled my name. I thought something was wrong so I was scared. He said, ‘Mom! I saw the most amazing girl today! I was just walking in the hall and there she was! She ran into me, we were both in a hurry. Mom, she is so beautiful! I couldn’t believe it. I looked her in the eyes, they were so innocent and true. My heart is racing. I can’t breathe!’ I almost started crying. He had never been so happy in his life. Do you remember that?” She was smiling now, but she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking towards the ground.
“Yeah, I remember. The first thing I noticed was his sad eyes. He seemed perfect. I just can’t believe he felt that way when he first saw me. Because that’s how I felt.”
“Would you like to see his room?” His mom looked at me and smiled.
“Um.” I had to think for a moment. “Yes.”
She said I could just go right up there. She didn’t come up with me. She trusted me. I walked up the stairs and into his room. It wasn’t cold or scary. It was warm. It was like, he was there all along, waiting for me. I felt so peaceful in there. I closed the door a little. I looked around. I looked at where he kept his stuff about me. My picture was still there, by his bed. I looked around some more. I walked over to his closet. I smelt his clothes. They smelt like him. I wanted to take one, just to remember.
“You can take it.” His mom walked in the room.
“Oh. Really?” I smiled as I held my favorite shirt of his.
“Of course. You loved him. You deserve something.” She looked around the room, then left. I scanned the room once more then walked out.
“I should probably go,” I said to Jeremy’s mom. She was in the kitchen.
“Okay.” She turned around and looked at me. “But please, stop by once in awhile, I see Jeremy in you.” She smiled at me again.
I was crying inside. I gave her a hug because I knew she could use it. She walked me to the door. I held on to Jeremy’s shirt tightly and walked to my car.
She waved goodbye and I looked up at Jeremy’s window and I saw him waving bye too, and I drove back home. Back to my life.

The End

© Brittany Vernée

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