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“I’m through with standing in line to clubs I’ll never get in. It’s like the bottom of
the ninth and I’m never gonna win. This life hasn’t turn out quite the way I wanted to
be.”
I started thinking on my birthday after being asked 30 times about if I felt any different being
17. No. But I do recognize some things about myself.
I do not regret anything I’ve ever done. Never look back once that decision is made for it will
do you no good. BUT I never thought that at seventeen I would be where I am.
A girlfriend of a wonderful, sexy, caring man of 2 years and a month. A nonvirgin and lover to
someone who adores my imperfection of a body. A past cutter, burner, and other self injury. A
winner of writing awards. A sought after student for colleges. Almost a graduate of CCCHS. A
smoker.
Years ago, I would have said you were crazy if you thought I would be some of those things.
Others….simply amaze me.
I never thought I would have suffered the losses that I have. I never imagined the blessings I
would be handed. I never encountered an image of a girl who questioned religion. I never
fabricated the tears I would shed, laughs that would peal from my lips, and words that would
spout forth verbally and unspoken.
All of these things taught me something different. Together, they show me that you cannot
predict the future or the person you will become any more than you can what will happen after
you die. No matter how hard you try to control your future, certain aspects will be
withheld.
I am not sorry for what I’ve done or who I am. I refuse to apologize for the person you see
today. I’m stronger, healthier, more confident, and more self assured than ever before. I know
who I am, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I am who I am, and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s
their problem. Not mine.
I am exactly who I’m meant to be.
© Kathy Anne Harrell, 1 October 2006
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