"Evolution"

“Every day you wake up, it’s the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die?”

I used to wake up wondering why I hadn’t died in my sleep. I used to kill the engine of my car & sit in the dark, tears tracing trails down my cheeks because I just wanted the struggle to end. I used to sit on sidewalks & not realize I could not appreciate a simple sunset. I used to think about suicide all the time.

I used to think I knew how I felt when in actuality, I walked around in a state of dissociation. I used to think pain was pleasure. I used to think I wanted a man to hit me, just so I could feel loved. I used to think the only thing I could depend on was an exacto knife blade, #92. I used to think I had to be the Superman.

I used to think I could never be thin unless I starved. I used to think the taking of space would detract from my worth, rather than enhance it. I used to think I wanted to freeze time the moment after purging, when the world slowed & the voices fell silent. I used to think I had to hide my scars, internal & external, for the rest of my life.

I used to think I wanted to heal. I used to think this indicated weakness. I used to think I needed to hurt myself, needed the power wounds loan us. I used to think I knew how to live. I used to think I had the capacity to be intimate with others. I used to think if I waited long enough, things would work themselves out. I used to think I had to do this alone. I used to make that immature wish “to just be happy.”

I used to be a live wire, reaction to emotion rather than a reaction. I used to take things personally. I used to make assumptions. I used to think I had no worth. I used to think anyone who thought otherwise could not see reality. I used to defeat myself at every turn. I used to think I was no more than the sum of my disorders. I used to think & never feel.

I used to be someone I never liked & never could appreciate. I used to believe myself ugly, fat, & entirely unattractive. I used to assume guys wouldn’t be interested before they ever said a word. I used to lie to you just to make you believe things were okay. I used to leave certain sentiments unvoiced so as to keep them unrealized. I used to find peace so transient in nature, completely unable to stifle the intensity of my voices. I used to judge, negate, & invalidate myself at every turn.

I used to feel. I used to think, laugh, smile. I used to be the chatterbox you couldn’t shut up. I used to have a sparkle in my eye. I used to have a beaming smile. I used to feel my daddy. I used to cry. I used to know love. I used to feel comfortable in my skin. I used to trust myself. I used to know myself. I used to feel confident of my abilities. I used to know my limits. I used to know what I liked. I used to just know.

Some of these things are still true. Most of these things are not.

As Carolyn Myss noted, you never have to go back to the past to find strength. You already have it within. It’s stored as you experience. The only reason we return life force to our pasts is to keep alive old wounds. The only reason we turn back the hands of time is never a positive reason. Understandable, perhaps, but maladaptive nonetheless.

If you didn’t learn the lesson the first time, you never will no matter how long you ruminate on it. So here’s to the burning of my past. It’s put me here, & I honor it for that. But what I need to take with me is already in my heart. I refuse to leave anymore of my energy or myself back there.

I don’t believe in roots, after all.

Cheers x2. *clink*

© N.R.C, 13 June 2005